I don't know why I'm exactly gonna bother with this, but it's something I need to get off my chest in regards to @suezobeam. This isn't going to be a callout again, nor me absolving her of the stuff she caused, but I don't think I'll feel like... Whole again, if I don't say this.

When I made that thread, part of it was me wanting to be free again. I felt like I couldn't get out from under this cloud of guilt towards my own tendencies. I wanted my friends to understand my pain and frustration, and understand why I acted cagey about her.

This ever-growing frustration of like, the problem not actually being understood gets to me. I don't even know how to word what the problem WAS, beyond that Ami just, never understood. Even in the end. And maybe that's my fault for not being able to word it.

I spent the following years after our relationship throwing myself into people's arms, because in my sensitive mental state, I had internalized things about my body and sense of comfort that I shouldn't have. People way worse than Ami.

People who, rather than just the crime of not really having self-restraint around a very confused minor who literally didn't know how to exist within a relationship, due to other traumas, actually did want to use me. I don't doubt Ami loved me, but that's part of why it stung.

It stung cuz this was someone who should have known better, and never really apologized. Ami expressed regret to me, but it was always about being afraid of the creepy shit she did getting dug up. She might have had more complex regrets, but this is how it was presented to me.

I can just write those people off as just awful people, even if I still have those scars. With her, I felt this constant bitterness of "This person only regrets what they did, because of the consequences for *her.*" And in hindsight, this may have been cruel.

She's autistic, she's had a hard life of her own, and a lot of things just were genuine miscommunications. Maybe there was something more to her regrets than I knew about. But. I don't know, I still feel bitter. I still feel like I never got the acknowledgement I needed.

The acknowledgement that, I wasn't ready, and this person with more experience in life should have known better. This person who had been through similar pains should have said something, rather than only expressing worry at social consequences. And maybe I'm just blaming others.

I can't tell where the internalization of my years of pain and trauma ends, and my desire to inflict pain begins. Maybe this is just a cycle I'm doomed to repeat, just like my mother. But... I still did deserve someone to look me in the eyes, and say "You're not ready yet."

For years I thought that, I threw myself into the arms of anyone I felt even slightly understood me and cared for me emotionally, and it wasn't until I met @taciturasa that I understood that connecting with someone in a romantic sense meant more than just "Aw, you're so cute."

I wasn't ready to support adriene, nor connect with her. But the year I spent with it really did finally make the parts of my brain that craved consistency and stability, rather than constant emotional highs, connect. I was able to heal a bit, and do better later.

It wasn't a stepping stone for me, I don't want to act like any person is a narrative in which I grow better in a neat timeline. But it's what taught me why Ami had messed me up in some subtle ways.

I'm starting to really ramble, so I'm gonna close this thread off, and add to it later if I have anything else to say. I unblocked ami so she could actually read these posts. I don't know if she ever saw like, my response to what she said.

I don't know if i'd describe my feelings as hate anymore, and rather just. Frustration, and a late acknowledgement that my emotional state still needs a lot of fixing that I never got help or proper acknowledgement with. When I made the thread I hated her, but now I just...

I just want an actual apology, that understands the years of subtle effects it had on those years of turbulence. I want to be able to forgive her and just let this finally stop clouding my mind. I gotta go, but thanks to anyone who read this.