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Be gentle with black women. I was profusely thanking my (white, under 30) nurse for taking bandages off me so gently because a previous nurse I had from a different surgery ripped post-op bandages off me so roughly she permanently scarred me. And she started tearing up because-
-it was very sad & horrifying for her that I thought I had to thank her for giving what she perceived as normal care. When my surgeon,a Chinese man, saw the scars he was also visibly upset and said so so softly âIâm very sorry that happened to you.â Iâve been thinking about this-
-interaction for days. How instantly they understood that the nurse assumed I had a high pain tolerance (or none at all) and how instantly they understood why, and both treated it as a moment they couldnât erase but could at least honor my pain by letting me know it was unjust.
Iâll be more specific: this nurse (white and I would also describe her as otherwise very nice) ripped a bandage off my abdomen so hard she permanently disrupted the Subcutaneous fatâs adherence to the muscle leaving me with something that looked like a small and mild hernia.
If she was mean and it was malicious because I feel like could just be regular mad. But it somehow hurts my feelings more because she was so nice and kind otherwise, that it was clear that the specific issue was that she didnât even consider that I could feel that pain.
I will also never forget how it felt to have a man of color, a surgeon, react so empathetically to my nervous explanation of what he was looking at. To touch what she did with his fingertips and make his voice that soft, just for me. Iâll think about that for the rest of my life.
