And now where do I even go? Because I do not fit the current narrative popularized by and about trans people that we have always known we were trans. I didn't. I didn't know that was a thing people could be, and when I did find out in my teens it was in the context of trans women

And by that point I had already developed what I suspect are entirely common problems - self harm, an eating disorder, dysmorphia, depression.

I just knew my body was wrong for me but not why or how. Meanwhile I've spent 44 years living as a woman under patriarchy and dealing with misogyny and if I see one more person try to claim that trans men and trans masc ppl with bodies that were forcibly femaled...

...until they could pass for a cis dude have unconditional male privilege I will lose. My. Shit.

And then there's all the people ostensibly on my side standing by to mock any dude at a right wing protest for being too short, too skinny, etc etc etc - all violent reminders that because I'm not figuring this shit out until I'm fucking 44 I will never be masc enough.

Not even for the supposedly open-minded and affirming left.

Anyway I gotta go buy hay.

And I mean a gauge of how bad my dysphoria is? I'm seriously considering CareCredit's ruinous interest rates and having surgery during a pandemic to get. This. Shit. Off. My. Chest.