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Today in therapy, my therapist mentioned one of the frameworks she uses is a social justice framework. Today was the first I heard her say this explicitly, though it completely made sense for the work we've been doing together for years. I asked her to clarify. 1/n
"It basically means rejecting neutrality as a starting point," she said. "Partially because it's an impossible ideal, but mostly because it's not effective in the way I practice. -
2/n
2/n
"So, for example, if a heterosexual couple comes in and the man says something misogynistic, in a neutral framework a therapist might ask, 'Why do you feel that way?,' but not refer to his misogyny directly. -
3/n
3/n
"In a social justice framework and in my practice, I'll say, 'What you said is rooted in misogyny, why do you feel that way?' The same question, but drawing attention to the reality of oppression and injustice in which that question exists." 4/n
As we continue making inroads on our anti-racist work, within ourselves, our communities, and in our close relationships and friendships, I think this is worth bearing in mind. 5/n
We're getting to a point where, to me, as a WOC who's been doing anti-racist work for a long time in my interpersonal relationships (and making my own share of mistakes, for sure) there is one indicator that I am going to be facing a hard path, and that I fear encountering. 6/n
The thing that scares the most is realizing that whoever I'm talking with prizes politeness, respectability, and certain conventions of communication and social behavior over the content and feeling of what I'm trying to work on with them. 7/n
This indicator means, with 100% reliability, that at the point in time I'm trying to communicate with them, they will prize the status quo over our interpersonal work, and over me. 8/n
This is why I've been talking so much about respectability, and the politics of respectability. With very, very, very few exceptions, if you're white and we've spent more than a few minutes talking, you have undoubtedly leveraged respectability politics in our interactions. 9/n
Or, to name things directly as my therapist does in her work, with very few exceptions, if you're white and we've spent more than a few minutes talking, you have undoubtedly shown me through your behavior that you will uphold the white supremacist status quo over fighting racism.
Much like I'm sure that hypothetical dude in my therapist's practice would hypothetically feel, I can imagine that's uncomfortable to sit with.
But consider: if we reject the idea that any interaction can exist in true neutrality, which I think is a starting point a lot of people can agree to, then things fall somewhere on a spectrum that is essentially between two points: "white supremacist" or "anti-racist."
I say this because this is taken verbatim from a segment in the anti-racist training my therapist pays anti-racist professionals to train her in, so she can treat people like me.
Because my therapist is white, and many of her clients are not.
Because my therapist is white, and many of her clients are not.
So, in the framework of that spectrum, what do your behaviors indicate?
Let me use an example that came up in no less than four interactions I had with four separate people over the past week (altered for anonymity and maintaining polite fiction that, surely, it is no one here).
Let me use an example that came up in no less than four interactions I had with four separate people over the past week (altered for anonymity and maintaining polite fiction that, surely, it is no one here).
One of the mechanisms of white violence that I've been on the receiving end of many more times than I could count if I had to, because the incidents can happen so fleetingly (but cause lasting ramifications), is the mechanism of White Woman's Tears. https://bit.ly/2C2iBbe
Multiple times this past week I've ended up in conversations where white women ended up derailing the subject at hand by getting upset in ways that were uhhhhh shall we say not conducive to growth or moving forward in constructive ways, lmaoooo
I, a perennial dumbass, tried to talk to some of my friends about this behavior, and somehow managed to be shocked when some of the responses that met my concerns were not supportive, but defensive, even passive aggressive at times.
Let's say I tell a friend that one of their friends or acquaintances, a white woman, was condescending or even outright hostile to me in an interaction about something that I can speak to from more intersections of marginalization than her, in spite of us both being women.
Maybe she even leveraged emotional upset in a way that ended up drawing focus away from the conversation and onto her, personally; but instead of hearing me, my friend gets pissed at me because I was blunt in my phrasing, or thought I was demanding specific behavior from them.
They tell me either they're not going to intervene (in spite of me not asking them to lol), or that the white woman in question is a good person (a statement which implicitly absolves her of whatever she did or said), or that I should stay out of it in the future (stop talking).
These responses communicate things to me beyond the smaller, "neutral" interpersonal thing they're saying.
One thing they communicate is that for all that my friend might want to *be* anti-racist, they're not going to *act* on the anti-racist end of that spectrum.
One thing they communicate is that for all that my friend might want to *be* anti-racist, they're not going to *act* on the anti-racist end of that spectrum.
This spectrum indicates that every single action we take is either racist or anti-racist. To me, that's heartening. All learning processes entail fuck ups, and all-or-nothing thinking doesn't apply in any learning process, let alone one as complicated as anti-racism.
But for some of my friends, especially white friends, the idea that literally every action you take is, to some degree, either racist or anti-racist is absolutely terrifying. So they take fewer actions. They start framing their behavior as "interpersonal" and "neutral."
And that's when shit gets weird and scary for me as their friend. I know they love and care about me — but they've shown through their actions that they refuse to understand that the relationship between their "neutrality" and racist harm I end up experiencing is causal.
Respectability, politeness, being raised to think there is a "right" way of talking in social settings, that's part of that "neutrality," that idea that any action can be interpersonal but somehow devoid of a framework of racial reality.
That's why just naming things is scary.
That's why just naming things is scary.
Even in this thread, I could have said "white people" instead of "my friends." In her practice my therapist could ask "why do you feel that way?" instead of "that's misogynistic, why do you feel that way?"
We could use the cushion of plausible deniability to keep people feeling positive. We could elide the very thing that is the crux of our work.
I don't think shame is useful to feel here; but we cannot avoid being direct any longer, in this work or any justice work. You have to feel the wind knocked out of you as you land into the awkward position of realizing, "oh, shit, that's the end of the spectrum I'm on right now."
Don't be ashamed. Just reorient yourself and do it better going forward.
Show me you'll stand up for me, protect me. Show me I don't need to be scared of you.
Show me you'll stand up for me, protect me. Show me I don't need to be scared of you.
Show me I don't need to fear your inaction.
(Oh, one thing to add: the reason it's significant in my therapist's example that the couple is heterosexual and the man says something misogynistic is that, obviously, that's going to affect his partner, a woman, as she hears him say he doesn't stand up for or honor her.)
(Also I love my therapist, she's fucking rad as hell and I honestly look forward to our weekly sessions as much as I look forward to like, getting lunch with a friend haha.)
