I'd like to more explicitly talk about something I've only hinted at before

I'm likely somewhere on the trans scale, depending on your definition

I have identified as a cis gay man for a long time because the social calculus of transitioning never really added up for me.

I honestly didn't even know trans identity or transition was an option for much of my life, long after the time I feel I really could have credibly made the decision to go that route.

I'm unfortunately not gonna transition. I'm not gonna change my pronouns or anything. I feel it's too late for me and that I will still identify as a man in meatspace because of the social cost associated with transitioning. But it's something I wish I could have done in my teens

I honestly didn't really consider myself on the trans spectrum for a long time but getting to know and privately speaking with lefty trans people on Twitter is what got me.

I decided to be more open about it becacauae of this comic.

This was definitely an "I'm in this picture and I don't like it" moment for me. I appreciate Mae for having put this moment so well. https://twitter.com/maegodhavemercy/status/1277497716440887297?s=19

In fact, I think it's actually literally the exact same tweet that got me! @TransSalamander strikes again! She's real good at cracking them eggs I guess.

But yeah, I don't expect anyone to treat me differently, nor am I looking for sympathy or "oppression points" or whatever.

I just wanted to be honest with myself and be as out as I can be at the end of pride month.

So... Yeah. There you have it.

I've long talked about how I see nerd-bullying as being rooted in gender policing, and how many nerds display gender-non-conforming traits so this probably doesn't surprise some people.

I honestly think there's a LOT of nerdy cis guys who are in a similar boat honestly. I've met a TON of nerds who fit that "ha ha yeah all my MMO characters are girls because I want something nice to look at, yeah totally *nervous laugh*" kind of cliche.

A lot of it is that when I was first exposed to trans identity, I was immediately excluded and gatekept out of it by "both sides", internalized it, then never looked at it further for many years until I got involved in lefty Twitter.

I was first exposed to trans identity ideas in my late teens and I was already, uh, REALLY into TGTF porn stories and stuff, and that eventually brought me to some people debating it as it related to trans identity.

On the right were a bunch of transmedicalists who spent all their time saying that no, you're not trans if you're into this, because you need to have crippling dysphoria to the point you can't cope with life if you don't get "the surgery", and I was never interested in surgery.

On the left though were a bunch of really zealous assholes who were saying that if you're into this stuff, you're a transphobe, because you're just a cis man making a fetish out of the struggles and suffering of trans people, etc.

I ended up internalizing that and identified as a cis man with a weird fetish for gender fuckery for 20 years because of that.

This is one of the reasons I can actually sympathize with some anti-SJWs to a certain extent

It wasn't until I met left trans people who WEREN'T like that, that I finally started to reconsider the idea that I might actually be somewhere on the trans scale.

Now I understand that those people were just weird assholes, and were in the minority even at the time.

All my trans friends today now just stare at me and tell me how textbook the giant red egg flags are for me, and apparently being SUPER into TGTF stuff is one of the biggest ones. A ton of trans people are.

I'm fortunate in that I was able to have the furry community as a safe, judgment free zone to experiment with this part of my identity and develop ways to cope with it.

But yeah I'm under no illusions on how I look. I can't "pass"

I have a neck like Heavy Weapons Guy, giant shoulders and upper body, and I'm pretty hairy too. So I would rather just live with the body I have than go through HRT and surgery for a result I am not sure I'd even like

But i know there are some people who can't do that for whatever reason, and so this is a personal choice for me, and I would never invalidate anyone who chooses differently than myself, passing or not. You're still valid, no matter what.

And yes, I know, people will tell me it's never too late. I sometimes doubt myself. @persenche posted some transition pictures that were really inspiring to me and part of me wonders if I could end up like her.

But even doing this much and coming out about this publicly was scary enough for me for a year. I know certain people will be all over this one already.

I forget who came up with the thought experiment, or who first exposed me to it, but another large factor in me considering trans identity of any sort was the one in which you could press a button and immediately be in the body you wanted and be unable to go back.

Basically, "If you could abstract away all the social consequences and medical bullshit and costs, would you transition?"

And my response was to be mashing the button before the question is done.

I think astute followers probably also could have seen this coming if they had seen my discussions about what sexuality would look like in the transhumanist future, too.

Another fun one was

"Did you always wear baggy, plain clothes, especially hoodies and loose jeans, and have poor hygiene because you hated having to think about your own body even long enough to consider how to make it look decent?"

Me, looking like a freshly-caught fish: "How did you know something like that?"

"That's just a super common trans experience"

There was this drawing with a young boy and girl who each transitioned in 3 images and had that same baggy clothes phase as teens that was a *big thonk* catalyst for me.

Just to tell you how ingrained this all was, I ended up playing exclusively girl characters in furry spaces for 15 years after I dismissed the idea of being trans and never really put it all together.

And now you know why I've kept all the stuff I'm into, in furry spaces, secret and vague for all these years.

Can't wait to see certain people still trying to insist that I'm still some kind of sick predator who goes after women and that I'm just lying for clout, etc.

Haha, some longtime RL friends just messaged me and told me "That thread about you being trans is the least surprising thing ever. We knew."

Honestly, so many people are closeted by social pressures and not wanting to subject oneself to the bullshit LGBTQ people go through. A lot of people hide their real selves because they don't want to deal with that.

All those years ago I got shit from a toxic segment of left Twitter because I said that shitting on "allies" is really awful praxis because so many LGBTQ people experiment with allyship as a way to be involved with something they care about while remaining closeted.

This is why.

And, as you've seen with me, it's even possible to come out in stages and use one identity to hide another one.

There's a reason why gay-straight alliances and other anti-bullying orgs that explicitly give kids who are associated with them way to be involved without coming out are so important for young people.

Another thing that really bothered for a long time and kept me from acknowledging this is that I had also internalized some TERF rhetoric because I had this paralyzing fear that I was basically the poster-boy for the quack "autogynephilia" thing that they try to promote.

And of course TERFs and my stalkers would have a field day with all of this stuff too.

I want to thank everyone for the positive response I've received and helping me not regret the decision to post this.

Lol of course my stalkers are out there now posting photoshops of that old picture of mine they're obsessed with photoshopped into a girl with various degrees of passing.