you all make it abundantly clear over and over again that you think 'nonbinary' is a singular identity part of a gender 'trinary' and that nonbinary people can only use they/them and be androgynous. that's so clearly opposite to what nonbinary means, so let's talk about it.

the word nonbinary describes lots of gender identities. some nonbinary people are agender, or genderfluid, or demigirls, some use their own terms to describe their gender. gender, in itself, is a construct. that doesn't mean it doesn't have important social implications.

when i say gender is a construct, i mean there is no basis for what you think is a woman or a man in the gender binary. we must understand that gender is not the same as sex. sex may describe types of bodies, and things that pertain to those bodies.

sex does not tell us that women should like pink and be feminine. it does not tell us that men shouldn't cry, nor does it tell us men should be the breadwinners. these things i'm describing are attributes of socially constructed and performative gender.

when we think of gender, it's so important that we move away from these ideas. the gender binary, particularly in the US, is rooted in misogyny, racism, anti-blackness, and indigenous erasure. it's rooted in colonialism and oppression.

none of this means feminist movements aren't still important, or that we shouldn't fund men's mental health care. it means that in understanding that gender has important social implications, that it is also something we participate in and create for ourselves.

so all of this context is to say that nonbinary identities simply cannot be a monolith, and to refer to nonbinary identities as one singular thing or way of presenting is to take away from what it fundamentally means to be nonbinary.

nonbinary people use the term nonbinary because it is comfortable to them, it is the best way to describe them. the term nonbinary in itself as a collection of identities is a rejection of binary gender. it is recognizing that gender can't always be described by a binary.

to tell nonbinary people they can only use they/them is to force them into a box, as if we are a third gender, when really nonbinary people can have different and unique experiences of gender. not all of us prefer they/them, and not all of us want to present androgynously.

often, we use terms of the gender binary because those are the language we have, even if it's not sufficient, it is widely understood. some nonbinary people are more comfortable with masculinity, and may describe themselves as demiboys.

some nonbinary people are comfortable with femininity, and some may describe themselves as nonbinary femmes. they may use she/her pronouns sometimes because those make them comfortable, but they don't stop being nonbinary.

some nonbinary ppl do use they/them pronouns, and we should honor and love them the same, but that doesn't mean ALL nonbinary ppl do. the way different people experience gender is personal to them. some think of their relationship to gender as definitive, clear cut.

some other people experience gender as a spectrum, one in which they may occupy a polar end or they may lie in the middle, or to a side. some people feel completely separate from these descriptions of gender. some may not be able to describe how they experience gender.

so i encourage you, if you ever thought that nonbinary people had to use they/them or dress androgynously, to work through how you experience gender, what you've been taught, and where those ideas originated from.

again, nonbinary people are not a singular, third gender. our experiences are diverse and can't be lumped into one third gender category. so yes, some nonbinary people use she/her, or he/they, or she/he, or she/they, or they/them or neopronouns. they are all valid.

and continuing from there, many sexualities are based in a rigid idea of the gender binary. so to think that nonbinary people HAVE to identify with nonbinary specific terms is to misconstrue what being nonbinary is.

to force nonbinary ppl to create their own language to describe experiences of sexuality is to think of them as part of a gender trinary. yes, some nonbinary people prefer to use different language to describe themselves. they might prefer to use nonbinary specific identities.

some may prefer general terms, some may prefer queer. that's their business and they're valid. that doesn't mean ALL nonbinary people feel the same. if a nonbinary person tells you that they feel most comfortable identifying as gay, then they are gay.

they are describing their sexuality under their experiences of gender and attraction, which might not be the same as yours, but which are entirely valid. some nonbinary people may identify as lesbians. they too are using the language that best describes their experiences.

that doesn't mean gay or lesbian has no definition, but rather that nonbinary people have always been a part of these communities. gay describes men/ nonbinary people who are only attracted to men and nonbinary people. (although 'gay' nowadays is also an umbrella term.)

lesbian describes women/nonbinary people that are only attracted to other women/nonbinary people. men and male-aligned people cannot be lesbians. lesbian is not an umbrella term.

please respect nonbinary people. they know their gender and sexuality better than you do, always. they are allowed to use the binary terms that describe their experiences, and they are also allowed to never use binary terms. there isn't one way to be nonbinary.

as always, i cannot speak for all nonbinary ppl. if any of my fellow nonbinary people disagree with anything I've said or feel that anything I've said is wrong, incorrect, and harmful, pls share in replies or dms!! feel free to dm me as well if anyone wants to talk more!