I feel like a lot of healthcare workers are actually less terrified of COVID than Twitter is bc of our constant Exposure to other people, it numbs the fear tbh... I obviously wear a mask whenever I might end up 6 feet from people i don’t see all the time but... idk

And I don’t go to bars n stuff, or anywhere’s crowded, for example. but I will be honest, I go places. Although I am constantly haunted by What Will They Think Of Me.

It’s just really fucking hard to balance my mental health with all of this. I’m trying my best. :/

And I should say, I’m more concerned for the health of others than of myself. Wearing a mask goes a long way though to prevent me from spreading though, if I had it. But the guilt is still there. Maybe it should be.

But guilt is a really malignant emotion for me.

Unrelated to COVID I feel guilt for many things many times throughout the day and it eats me alive. It’s part of why I took a leave from work. I’m working on it.

So that’s the context for my fear and guilt of like...getting a haircut comes from. It becomes a Emotional Big Deal.

If it was about my own COVID risk that’d be one thing. I could accept that. But in my brain it’s become a battle of risking other people vs my need to heal and engage with the world again.

So.. sorry.