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Okay so let's dissect this argument about demisexuality being "an entire sexuality for people who simply don't do hookups" because that is just not what demisexuality is https://twitter.com/eighthgrade/status/1278014818579034117
First of all, the term "demisexual" was coined on a form on the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, or AVEN, in 2003, and was originally called "semisexual". https://pianycist.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/the-development-of-gray-asexuality-and-demisexuality-as-identity-terms/
"It occurs to me that weâve got a spectrum of sexual intensity, but we donât yet have a word for those who are halfway in between asexual and full-force sexual."
The term demisexual was then coined in 2006 by another user on the AVEN forums and echoed with similar sentiments by others on the forum when describing feeling sexual attraction that was motivated only by a close emotional bond. https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/29621-demis/#entry820575
It's important to note that AVEN was really the only forum where asexuals could discuss their experiences openly like that and get educated for a very, very long time. Like, AVEN forums were all people had in the early 2000s. It was a very important place and still is for aspecs.
So, no, Tumblr didn't actually coin the term "demisexual", and even if it had, that would probably have been for the same reason it was coined on AVEN - because there weren't safe spaces to talk about asexuality online for a long, long time. And it can still be very scary.
This is why so many people on tumblr may have profiles where they're out as LGBTQIA+ but not be out anywhere else, to their family, or anywhere, while hiding behind a generic profile picture. It's an attempt to protect ourselves from homophobia.
Here's more research and reading on the history of asexuality and demisexuality, if you're interested: https://researchguides.library.wisc.edu/c.php?g=716757&p=5101681
Moving on: One of the biggest myths about asexuality and identities that fit under its umbrella is that it's about not liking sex. But that's actually not the case at all. It's about not experiencing or rarely experiencing sexual attraction. Action =/= orientation.
There are plenty of aces that discover they're ace because they don't seek out sex, or don't like sex, and there are plenty who have sex and find the experience confusing, or only experience sexual attraction to that one guy in high school and feel very confused and lonely.
The thing is arousal does not equal attraction. Some aces are positive towards sex, or favorable because we experience arousal. Others are neutral, we might do it for our partners. Then there are those who want absolutely nothing to do with it. These are all ways to be ace.
Arousal is a response to presently happening stimuli. One way to think of sexual attraction is to think of it as arousal or desire for the arousal that's directed towards another person or persons. An ace person getting aroused might not tie in with sexual attraction for them.
For someone who is allosexual (not asexual or on the spectrum of it) these things tend to often go hand in hand. For someone who is not allosexual, they don't, and it can take us a long time to work out what's happening in our brains and bodies.
This is related to sex drive or libido because someone may experience little to no sexual attraction, but still seek sexual pleasure. The difference is if that drive for sexual pleasure is directed. If it's not, you may be asexual. If it's rare, you may be gray ace or demisexual.
This is what I mean by "action =/= orientation". Someone who does not experience sexual attraction may have sex for their partner or may even enjoy sex, but this does not make them someone who suddenly experiences sexual attraction with regularity.
The thing is a lot of people just... don't understand what sexual attraction is, or take their understanding so for granted that they think everyone just gets it and has it. Sexual attraction is treated like it's inherent to the human experience... until you have none.
If you aren't ace, it may help to frame things around your own sexuality. For example, if you are heterosexual, you are sexually attracted to the opposite gender and not to the same gender. Just imagine that "not" being towards everyone all the time.
Demisexuals have this sometimes. We aren't just abstaining from sex because we don't want to have one night stands. We are literally not experiencing sexual attraction towards ANYONE unless a close bond is formed, and sometimes even then we don't have it.
The hardest thing for people to understand about demisexuality and gray asexuality is that no, we aren't exaggerating when we tell you we barely have sexual attraction. When we tell you demisexuality is formed only under a strong bond, we mean it's ONLY then.
We are not "all demisexual". Demisexuality isn't about not liking one night stands or thinking everyone else is obsessed with sex. It's about rare sexual attraction formed under the specific condition of a strong emotional bond. https://twitter.com/scretladyspider/status/1274451511674843141?s=20
Or another way to think of it is what if you never saw the color red, but you never knew that, and then one day there was red? https://twitter.com/scretladyspider/status/1274136615900848131?s=20
Here are some people talking about what being demisexual means to them: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a24401061/demisexual/
Recently I was on a podcast talking about my demisexual experience as well: https://twitter.com/scretladyspider/status/1277590979495813121?s=20
Here is a video (part 1 of a 3 part series!) all about asexuality and aromanticism:
So, no, you're wrong on every point, demisexuality has nothing to do with "not liking one night stands", the term wasn't invented on tumblr for people who just dislike casual sex, and demisexuals and gray asexuals are in fact an important part of the asexual & queer community.
(hi I'm Elle I'm demisexual/gray ace panromantic and an advocate for asexuality and also a youtuber, if you want to support me check me out on patreon, I'm 1/3rd towards being able to make my living on there http://patreon.com/secretladyspider)
I have also expanded this into a piece on @Medium if that's easier for some readers: https://medium.com/@secretladyspider/is-demisexuality-just-a-word-for-people-who-dont-do-hookups-5b5f1df0ec98?sk=cb33236351c2c72bd9f04fb6843165da
