Tonight I fell into a Wikipedia hole, and discovered the wonderful world of US soap operas, and their fucking weird storylines.

Specifically one called “Passions”

Passions is about the lives and loves of a group of characters in a town called Harmony.

Central to this is the town witch Tabitha Lenox and her DOLL THAT SHE BROUGHT TO LIFE: Timmy.

They also have a 7 year storyline involving a psychotic woman who owned a motel and who’s dead dad lives in the motel basement and to whom she had conversations with.

She was called (you guessed it) NORMA fucking BATES.

They also introduced a character called Precious.

Precious was a live-in nurse & caregiver for an elderly character called Edna.

During her stay on the show, Precious developed an unrequited love for another character called Luis.

Oh, Precious was also a FUCKING ORANGUTAN.

THIS STORYLINE WENT ON FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS.

TWO YEARS!

They also submitted BamBam who played Precious for a Daytime Emmy in 2003. (This actually happened)

They also had a character called Siren, who was a mermaid conjured out of a children’s storybook and brought to life to “woo” a male character.

There was another character called Sheridan Crane. Who was best friends with Princess Diana.

After Diana died in the car crash, she became Sheridan’s “guardian angel”. Sheridan was also in a very similar crash in the same tunnel in Paris but Diana “told her to wear a seatbelt”

There was also a “Blackmailer” storyline where an intersex rapist and murderer taunted the town of Harmony for a whole year before being revealed.

A character called Julian is stabbed in the penis, and has a whole storyline arc where he fears he can never get an erection ever again.

Until the SERIES FINALE when a witch casts a spell and heals his penis for him.

Tabitha, the witch and main character, survived a tsunami by SURFING ON A FUCKING DOOR.

Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.