Things you have advised a client that were not legal advice:

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I’ll start:

1. Take your hands out of your pockets or the Judge will shout at you

2. Don’t joke about having a witness killed

3. Stop shouting “LYING CUNT” while I am cross examining please

4. Please don’t come to this sentencing hearing off your head on pills like you did last time. It’s Court not a rave

5. No, I will not give the Judge your number. No, she wasn’t looking at you like *that*

6. Stop calling the Judge ‘love’.

7. You can’t take dairylea into prison

8. That bike, the one you cycled to Court on? Well the police have just seized it and want to interview you for handling stolen goods. Well done, doofus

9. I don’t believe the screws let you travel to Court with a rolly and clipper under your ball bag, no. It doesn’t matter how many times you say it - and no you are NOT lighting up in the conference room. I’m sorry it’s “taking ages”.

10. This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, and I’ve heard someone try to mitigate on behalf of a serial commercial burglar who is registered blind.

11. The police told me you’ve been picking your bum and painting the walls of your cell. So no, I won’t shake your hand, and would you please wash your hands and stop doing it?

Ah, you didn’t see the massive camera in the corner of the cell?