Apologies that aren't actually apologies and that should set off some alarm bells when you hear them, written by me, a cult survivor who grew up in an abusive home, a thread:

1.) The "qualifier" apology.

Example: "i'm sorry I did (x) but it's because (y)."

Y can be anything at all really. "I was angry," "I have impulse issues," "you shouldn't have said that thing you said," etc.

This "apology" undoes any blame that should be on the person apologizing and puts it on the victim. It's like when someone who is physically abusive to their spouse assaults them, then says "i'm sorry I punched you but you shouldn't have made me so mad."

2.) The "projection" apology.

Example: "i'm sorry you were hurt by what I said."

This shifts any blame for pain caused to the person who was hurt by essentially saying it's their fault, not the fault of the person doing the "apology," for the fact that feelings were hurt.

While this apology CAN be valid when accompanied by an actual apology as well, in this case it is left as is with no accountability taken for hurt that has been caused.

3.) The "i'm the real victim here" apology.

Example: "i'm sorry for the thing I did. I'm such a piece of shit. I deserve to die. No one loves me."

This "apology" is creating a way for the people they've hurt to be the ones who feel bad for making the "apologizer" feel so bad.

4.) The "what-aboutism" apology.

Example: "yes what I did was wrong and I'm sorry but what about all the things you did that were wrong?"

This may be one of the hardest to recognize because there can be truth in it.

It is possible to hurt someone who has hurt you, so when the "apologizer" says this one, it can make the recipient feel that the hurt they've done is just as bad as the hurt done to them, whether or not it is. An apology, however, cannot be genuine with any kind of qualifier.

Essentially, if two people have hurt each other, the apologies to one another should not be conditional or else they cannot truly be apologies, thereby invalidating the reasoning behind either "apology."

5.) The "greet and yeet" apology.

Example: "i'm sorry i did (x) now I never want to talk about it again."

This is followed by blocking phone numbers or accounts on social media.

The "apologizer" is not giving the person they've hurt an opportunity to discuss the issue. When someone has been hurt, they deserve the right to explain how they've been hurt to anyone they choose, including the person who hurt them.

6.) The "Mona Lisa Saperstein" apology.

Example: "i'm sorry about what I did even though I've never actually done that."

Essentially, the "apologizer" is saying they've never done anything wrong ever in their life, but they offer a fake apology anyway to try to quell issues.

7.) The "false history" apology.

Example: "I already apologized! What more can I do!"

This usually follows a series of either the aforementioned apologies or no apology at all. The person "apologizing" says they've apologized when they have not.

This is classic gaslighting behavior. It is creating a false narrative by claiming an apology has been said when one has not. If the person who has been hurt asks to see the apology, the "apologizer" will say something like "i'm not going to bring it up again."

This not only makes the hurt person think they've possibly done something wrong themselves by not accepting an apology that was never made, but also allows the "apologizer" to convince outside people they've apologized when they have not.

This also demands the hurt person "get over it" or forgive them when that person may not be ready to move on.