It's time to get long and personal about age and shame.

I've been in fandom since I was 17 years old. Back then it was something I did in secret and shame, partially because fandom was mocked and partially because I didn't understand my own obsession with queer led spaces.

Either way, it wasn't something I share with a lot of people but it was something that brought me immense joy.

I was very active on livejournal. HP sorting communities? Paying for 100 icons to reply? Custom graphics? I was all in.

There was a big community at the time where you'd post pictures of your bedroom and people would rate it. I loved looking at other people's spaces and it took me a year to work up the courage to post my own bedroom.

I was 18 when I shared it and I loved my room so much.

For reference my room basically looked like a harry potter and stuffed animal factory exploded. Every bit of my room was full of harry potter merch, unicorn and fairy statures, snow globes and a bed covered in stuffed animals. It was all the things that made me happy.

There were some people who were nice.

There were a lot of people who weren't.

The over aching theme of comments I got? That I was pathetic, probably a virgin and that no man would ever want me if my room was so childish and nerdy.

Ridicule and shame.

I cried so much. And then I did what anyone with a LJ did and posted about it to my friends. My friends who were incredible and kind and reassured me that there was nothing wrong with me.

The thing was, the damage had been done.

I knew objectively that people could like anything but the idea that as a women I one day needed to abandon these things that brought me joy in order to grow up and be desired and respected was something that stuck with me.

I didn't suddenly throw away everything I loved but the older I got the more this little voice wove in and I'd sometimes wonder if thats why I didn't date or that's why I didn't do X or Y.

I don't think even I realized the extent of the internalized shame.

And that's what these people bank on. They want you to feel ashamed. Their power comes from feeling better than you.

Their entire dichotomy resides on the juxtaposition of good and bad. Of not being like you. Moral superiority is the framework that informs their existence.

It's a sad and pathetic way to live and when the blinders come off the whiplash will be painful. I pity them. I really do.

I pity them because if I've learned one thing it's that THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT FOR JOY. There is no point at which you're supposed to age out of fandom.

I could write a 10K essay on the deeply rooted misogyny and bigotry that targets older women and queer identifying people in fandom spaces but what it boils down to is they need to be better than you to silence their own shame.

DO NOT LET THEM SHAME YOU.

Twitter isn't great for this kind of essay or discourse but I had to say it.

I was 18 once and terrified. I hid who I was with a smile and bravado but deep down I was afraid there was something wrong with me so I'm here today to tell you there is nothing wrong with you.

Some people want you to believe there is something shameful about your identity or your age, and that you don't belong. That you will age out of belonging and there's something shameless about your joy. They're wrong.

They. Are. Wrong.

Your joy is beautiful.

Be joyously and defiantly proud. Never let anyone else dim that joy. They are not entitled to your happiness.