When Ravelry made it clear that they didn’t care about accessibility, they made it clear that they didn’t care about me. They didn’t want me in their space. I wasn’t happy about that, but I was able to speak up and say actually, fuck you, this is my space too.

But then other people started doing it, too. Saying things like “what’s all the fuss about”, “it’s just a website”, “it’s free so they can do what they want with it”, and that reminded me how pervasive ableism is, how much people hate and dismiss me for not being like them.

Now people I liked and respected are getting involved. They’re saying things like “wait for it to blow over”, “it’s so unlike them”, “don’t look for alternatives”.

Things which sound like the middle ground, but which are not. These comments quietly minimise the harm done, block meaningful change, and silence those most affected.

So now not only are the hosts kicking me out and some of the guests rounding on me, the people I came with are quietly sipping their drinks in the corner, nodding agreement, and asking me not to make a scene.

(They’re on my side, honestly, and they understand my anger, but could I please go be angry somewhere else and stop directing it at them, who have done nothing wrong, they just don’t think the hosts are that bad?)

Meanwhile I’ve had to go home and am lying in bed thinking about every time this has happened before, and every time it’s going to happen to my kid, and bawling because there is clearly nothing I can do to fix this.

Yet another space doesn’t want us, & we’re not allowed to be angry about that.

And I am so tired of this. Finding someplace new, feeling welcome, feeling part of it, having it enrich my life, and then having it snatched away with no warning. It always happens, eventually. As soon as accessibility comes up, the clock starts ticking.

Every time I look at my knitting now, I feel the exclusion. The derision. The complete dismissal. It’s utterly ruined for me. It’s another reminder that the world doesn’t want me. I’m too autistic, too fat, too angry to include. It’s just too hard to let me take part.

It makes me want to push everybody away. Reject them all, before they can reject me. Turn the inevitable solitude into a defiant choice littered with fuck yous. Burn every fucking bridge and stay safe on my tiny island.

Safe but alone.