The bleak is very vast today and uncomfortably tenacious.

I'm cracking a little. (This is Ambien Cassie, also after 3 mgs of ativan today.)

I'm very tired of having to be so strong all the time. I'm looking at the news reports and this shit is going to be neverending.

1/?

I'm already burnt. It's not going to get better anytime soon. There's no light at the end of this tunnel.

My hospital isn't overwhelmed yet, they're already bringing sick ppl from LA up to Stanford, so if we've got capacity and SoCal shits the bed, we're next in line.

2/?

None of this had to happen. No one wanted to listen. One day I'm a "hero" (which I don't want to be), the next on Twitter I'm getting called a slut for telling people to wear masks.

Its exhausting giving a shit.

3/?

I'm good at my job and my administration would still gladly dick me over if they could. My parents still think going on a trip in August -- with my aunt and uncle who live in AZ -- is a great idea. No one wants to listen or cares if other people survive.

4/?

And I get to be there being the tragic iPad facetime jockey so people can pretend to have a moment with someone who is intubated and sedated and non-reactive to them.

I love the world, it's why I do this. I hate the world for what it's doing to me.

5/?

And lest you think I'm weak -- I was a mf burn nurse for a decade.

I saw things you'd pay good money not to see.

This is different. It's going to be so long, so tragic, and so under supported.

Burns were accidental, by and large.
Not political wars waged with human lives.
6/

So. I'm not sure who I'm going to be at the end of all this. I hope I like her. I hope she's still me. But I don't think I can get through without caring less, just to protect myself and man, that feels shitty.

7/

How do I meter out enough compassion to properly function as a nurse but not so much that I lose myself, get (more) broken, or become a bitter shell?

I don't know how to work that dial. I usually can bounce back with a day off and gardening.

8/?

But my bounce is getting stiffer & the boxes I compartmentalize all my shit into are very full.

Anyhow.

Depressing late night stream of thought. (It was this or buy more plants. My plant budget this month has been astronomical.)

Hopefully another benzo does the trick.

9/9