Today I realized there’s not a lot people who talk about the invalidation, fetishization, and other issues adoptive families face. So here’s a thread exploring and debunking the stigmas, myths, and misunderstanding around adoption/adoptive families by an adopted boi

(TW: Adoption invalidation, adoptive incest, incest mentions)

FIRST OF ALL let’s talk about the big one: “Real” parents. To me (and most of the adopted people I’ve talked to), we view our real parents as the ones who raised us, cared for us, and loved us, thus meaning we typically view our adoptive parents as our real family

And I think it’s fair for me, as well as some/most adoptive families to find it upsetting when our bio families are referred to as “real” instead. Because in that wording lies the implication that despite all the efforts our adoptive family makes, the bio family thay

essentially had no part in our lives/didn’t want us, somehow maintain more validity than those that did. While some individuals may prefer it differently, I also know a big reason a lot of adopted people don’t correct people is because we’re ALWAYS hearing it.

Which leads me to my next subject: don’t blame adopted children for their bio parents putting them up for adoption. It’s not funny, it’s terrifying, and it can cause a lot of damage. I was five the first time someone asked me why my “real parents” didn’t want me.

At five I couldn’t understand what they meant. For a while, that question would play in my head and I would wonder if there was something wrong with me. It took me some time after that to be open (and openly proud) about being adopted, because I feared everyone had that viewpoint

(There’s also a lot to be said about how a lot of adults specifically question younger adopted children over older ones. Personally, I’m convinced it’s a subconscious manipulation tactic)

There’s also the fact that a LOT of nonadopted people have the idea that adoptive families are loveless? Because they somehow adoptive parents would go through invalidation, legal and financial struggles, and raising their adopted children devoid of emotion?

In fact, I’ve had people legitimately say “You’re not actually adopted are you? Your parents love you!” as if the idea of them loving me after everything they’ve went through to get me is somehow impossible. So I’ll say it here and now: most adoptive family love each other a lot

There’s also the inherent classism of the adoption system: to be eligible to adopt, potential adoptive families have to be inspected as well as pay a number of fees bio parents don’t ever have to go through before having a child.

As such, adoptive parents are often forced to pay over what would be a year’s income for the average American (sometimes the range will even be the same as the average multi income household). This means that lower income families might never be able to adopt, even if they...

... could provide love and support for a child who’s yet to be adopted. As such, this leaves more unadopted kids in the system who could otherwise have homes.

Also there’s recently been propositions suggesting that LGBTQ families should be allowed to be turned away, which (on top of all the other ways it’s insanely f*cked up and homophobic) also means that some people would rather see more unadopted children remain unadopted

(In case you can’t tell: the governing system in place for adoption cares more maintaining homophobia, transphobia, and classism more than actually finding homes for those in its system. Which means for adopted families to even exist is HARD af)

Now let’s talk about the way adoption is portrayed in media. Often, adoption is contributed with being a family’s “dirty secret” and as such, many nonadopted people view it as such. However, in real life most adoptive families relay this information to children early in life

Adoption in media is also extremely fetishized/sexualized. The Adopted Siblings/Lovers trope is not only meant to invalidate the legitimacy of adoptive families, but also thrives off of people enjoying sexual tension between siblings without the repercussions of biological incest

It’s particularly upsetting because this type of fetishization will carry over into real life, when people ask if you find your parents/siblings/cousins/relatives attractive “because it’s not like you’re *actually* related”. People see it as a sexy scandal rather than incest

Now lets get to the dehumanization of adoption. “Would you ever adopt?” “Yeah, a dog” is a joke I’ve heard too many times and is fucking problematic as hell. In that statement, lies the suggestion that adopting a dog is the only acceptable form of adoption. That adopted people...

... are in some capacity less acceptable. Or when an adopted person explains adoption and someone responds “oh so you’re like a dog?” The comparisons to adopted PEOPLE and dogs are frustratingly popular and only create more stigmas surrounding adoption and adopted people

There’s also the way the word is severely misused. Adopt is to suggest that something becomes someone’s own. Aside from adopted people, there’s also adopting a demeanor, adopting a pet, etc. all of which are valid uses of adoption. However, recently people have used the word...

... to describe sponsorships. You can adopt a demeanor by making one your own. You adopt a pet by making one your own. Even people are adopted by an adoptive parent making one their own. But with programs saying to “adopt a highschooler” or “adopt a teacher”, this...

... does NOT make them their own, and often is asking for financial support/gifts. The idea/myth that adoption is loveless is a problematic and unfortunately well circulated one, and therefore this type of word usage further reinforces that ideology to people.