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A WHOLE-ASS THREAD https://twitter.com/EdwardLorn/status/1277751825509363712">https://twitter.com/EdwardLor...
A WHOLE-ASS THREAD https://twitter.com/EdwardLorn/status/1277751825509363712">https://twitter.com/EdwardLor...
On my 21st birthday, my buddies bought me a family-sized bottle of Jose Cuervo. I don& #39;t know what liquor bottle sizes are called but it was about the size of a gallon of milk. Shit even had it& #39;s own HANDLE! I sipped on that sumbitch until I got drunk, then I started to chug.
My buddies, an equal number of lads and lasses, kept chanting so I kept chugging. Before this, I was a strictly beer kinda guy. Nothing harder. I& #39;d go through a suitcase of beer (yes, a 24 pack) a night (yes, I was a teenage alkie) and rarely got fall-down drunk.
By the time the bottle was halfway gone, I felt a wee bit...peaked. My stomach rolled and churned, and I thought to myself, "Myself, you might wanna do something before you get sick." So I listened to this sage advice and grabbed a bottle of Maalox and started chugging THAT.
The next morning I woke up in my neighbor& #39;s backyard, which is protected by a six-foot wooden-slat privacy fence, butt-ass naked. All 350lbs of me open to the elements, and my neighbor& #39;s Doberman licking my ass crack. As you can imagine, that& #39;s what woke me up.
How I got over this SIX-FOOT privacy fence is still a mystery to this day, because when I tried to leave my neighbor& #39;s back yard, I found the single gate padlocked from the inside. I had to wait until dude came home for lunch before I was released from my prison.
Now, I don& #39;t know if you& #39;ve ever had your salad tossed by a dog, but it& #39;s not pleasant, and they get a bit clingy afterwards, and sadly I had to turn down future advances because, well, that shit& #39;s weird.
Every time I came around this dog after this incident, he& #39;d bury his whole snout in the seat of my pants and just suck wind, like he was relishing our last time together, or some shit. For the longest time, I could figure out why the dog was obsessed with my ass. And then...
One day, while mowing my lawn, I saw my neighbor and the ass-sniffing Doberman playing in their front yard. Neighbor would give the dog a treat every time he did a trick right. I stopped mowing, let the engine die, and watched them. The treats were peppermints....
Guess what flavor that Maalox was?
The End.
The End.
