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5/8/18 • 234.04 lbs
6/29/20 • 210.51 lbs
There’s this kiosk at Walmart that reads your blood pressure + weight...
I remember when I saw the number ‘234.04’ I immediately went home and started calling myself a disgusting failure. I was unemployed, in debt, feeling morbidly
6/29/20 • 210.51 lbs
There’s this kiosk at Walmart that reads your blood pressure + weight...
I remember when I saw the number ‘234.04’ I immediately went home and started calling myself a disgusting failure. I was unemployed, in debt, feeling morbidly
depressed, and was not having any luck on my job search...
I was working at a job a few months prior that was triggering and emotionally abusive. My boss at the time coerced me into doing things I did not want to, and abused our power dynamic. She would gaslight me and made
I was working at a job a few months prior that was triggering and emotionally abusive. My boss at the time coerced me into doing things I did not want to, and abused our power dynamic. She would gaslight me and made
me feel inadequate.
I entered that job at about 205 lbs. before I knew it, I remember weighing myself at home and seeing the scale read 240+ at times. All I wanted to do to counter my feelings of inadequacy was binge eat and then follow that up with extreme & unhealthy
I entered that job at about 205 lbs. before I knew it, I remember weighing myself at home and seeing the scale read 240+ at times. All I wanted to do to counter my feelings of inadequacy was binge eat and then follow that up with extreme & unhealthy
dieting techniques.
Towards the middle/end of 2018 I found contract work in NYC which involved a sometimes 4 hour daily commute to a job I needed but was not “good” at. I could not keep up with the unrealistic workload, and was in constant fear that I was going to get fired
Towards the middle/end of 2018 I found contract work in NYC which involved a sometimes 4 hour daily commute to a job I needed but was not “good” at. I could not keep up with the unrealistic workload, and was in constant fear that I was going to get fired
I began binge drinking & eating, smoking daily, involving myself with cismen to pass the time while I yearned to feel more comfortable with my sexuality, and losing myself...
I was dead inside. I was functioning from the grave.
Eventually I took a look at myself and realized
I was dead inside. I was functioning from the grave.
Eventually I took a look at myself and realized
that my life deserved so much more. I knew my real purpose was to help others and that I wanted to use my Psychology degree to help people live their best life. As miserable as I was, I somehow found ways to help others feel better about themselves- even if it was just by being
transparent about my own experience...
I decided to quit that job (finding myself driving Lyft/Uber to survive) and went back to school to study Integrative Health. When I first started my program I almost dropped out because I felt like a hypocrite. How could someone who was
I decided to quit that job (finding myself driving Lyft/Uber to survive) and went back to school to study Integrative Health. When I first started my program I almost dropped out because I felt like a hypocrite. How could someone who was
depressed and lost in life help others?
My program leader explained to me that sometimes having rough life experiences can help you be the perfect voice for people going through the same. The program was based on learning, but also healing those who were students. That brought
My program leader explained to me that sometimes having rough life experiences can help you be the perfect voice for people going through the same. The program was based on learning, but also healing those who were students. That brought
me so much peace.
In my life I had gone through sexual abuse & assault, physically and emotionally abusive relationships, sexism, racism, colorism, fatphobia, queerphobia (even while I was closeted)... I have depression, PTSD, and anxiety.
I thought, “How could I help others?!”
In my life I had gone through sexual abuse & assault, physically and emotionally abusive relationships, sexism, racism, colorism, fatphobia, queerphobia (even while I was closeted)... I have depression, PTSD, and anxiety.
I thought, “How could I help others?!”
But then it dawned on me, “I am the PERFECT person to help others. I just need to find peace and heal myself so I can act as a healthy resource...”
Eventually I finished my program, and I was so proud of myself... I also finally landed a stable job again (summer 2019) and things
Eventually I finished my program, and I was so proud of myself... I also finally landed a stable job again (summer 2019) and things
started to look up for me for a while.
Fortunately my finances grew more secure but my mental health started to quickly decline again...
I was vulnerable, naive and involved myself with people that were toxic and predatory... and last October- I was sexually assaulted. This
Fortunately my finances grew more secure but my mental health started to quickly decline again...
I was vulnerable, naive and involved myself with people that were toxic and predatory... and last October- I was sexually assaulted. This
made me spiral into a depressive state and made me make decisions from my victimhood, as a form of gaining “power back” that were not healthy.
A few weeks later I gave up my apartment... I wanted a friend to move in with me because I was making it my depression cocoon. But that
A few weeks later I gave up my apartment... I wanted a friend to move in with me because I was making it my depression cocoon. But that
went left when I caught my landlord calling my friend a “nigger” and other derogatory words after his move-in interview. And just like that- I found myself living with my parents.
Then soon after, amongst many triggering things- I began dealing with a sickness...
I felt so
Then soon after, amongst many triggering things- I began dealing with a sickness...
I felt so
incredibly miserable, and did not know how I would be expected to live my life (winter/spring 2019/2020)...
I was unhappy, broken, hurt, betrayed by my own body/others and could not imagine how I could ever be happy again.
Eventually, I made a decision that would change my
I was unhappy, broken, hurt, betrayed by my own body/others and could not imagine how I could ever be happy again.
Eventually, I made a decision that would change my
life forever: I began going to therapy.
Over the last two years, I dealt with all of what I described plus death, and many other things- and some people never knew a thing.
I made sure to only post my happiness, and I never wanted to alarm anyone who I loved that I was in pain.
Over the last two years, I dealt with all of what I described plus death, and many other things- and some people never knew a thing.
I made sure to only post my happiness, and I never wanted to alarm anyone who I loved that I was in pain.
The day I went to go weigh myself at that Walmart was the next morning after heavily dealing with what I’ll call “ideations”.
I decided I wanted to face myself and know where I stood at the time so I could understand what my body needed from me.
Health goes way past a number
I decided I wanted to face myself and know where I stood at the time so I could understand what my body needed from me.
Health goes way past a number
on a scale, but I needed to start seeing my truth and what my next steps would be to becoming healthier.
Between that day & today, so much growth has happened for me.
I say “for me” because I used to think my growth experiences were happening “TO me”- they were always “for me”.
Between that day & today, so much growth has happened for me.
I say “for me” because I used to think my growth experiences were happening “TO me”- they were always “for me”.
As you can see in the second picture, at 210.51 lbs I am still considered (against a questionable scaling system) to be “obese”...
And you know what?! THAT’S FINE.
I am HEALING and on my way to finally knowing what I deserve, living in my truth, and valuing myself.
I’ve spent
And you know what?! THAT’S FINE.
I am HEALING and on my way to finally knowing what I deserve, living in my truth, and valuing myself.
I’ve spent
my whole life taking full responsibility and accountability for others and things that have happened on my journey. NO MORE!
Looking at my before and after weight stats, you may just see a gradual 23.53 lb loss, but I see the fluctuations of a MULTIFACETED PERSON.
One who is
Looking at my before and after weight stats, you may just see a gradual 23.53 lb loss, but I see the fluctuations of a MULTIFACETED PERSON.
One who is
learning to love life, and worship their beautiful, curvy, soft, firm, jiggly, bouncy, lucious, divine, and sweet body.
I do progressive self advancement work daily, and I battle my depression every morning to keep up with my bodily care in a way that’s expressive of my spirit.
I do progressive self advancement work daily, and I battle my depression every morning to keep up with my bodily care in a way that’s expressive of my spirit.
I deserve to feel beautiful on the inside, AND the outside. I am holistically amazing, and BEAUTIFUL.
What does beautiful mean to me? It is a word to describe someone or something that takes pride in what they represent.
I now glow with pride, and ooze self-worth.
So,
What does beautiful mean to me? It is a word to describe someone or something that takes pride in what they represent.
I now glow with pride, and ooze self-worth.
So,
I am B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. BEAUTIFUL.
But guess what? As a beautiful person- I suck a lot too!!! And although that is not “okay”, it is normal at times and all I can ask of myself is to not repeat mistakes and BE BETTER.
It is so important to forgive yourself.
Societal standards
But guess what? As a beautiful person- I suck a lot too!!! And although that is not “okay”, it is normal at times and all I can ask of myself is to not repeat mistakes and BE BETTER.
It is so important to forgive yourself.
Societal standards
