Thread by @ardeengdmng, • FIGHTER? •while i was checking some stuffs on my phone, nakita [...]

• FIGHTER? •

while i was checking some stuffs on my phone, nakita ko yung mga bakas ng 2018 - '19 ko, and it hurts a lot ang daming bumalik, andon pa din yung takot, nandon padin yung trauma, nandon pa din yung sakit. napaisip ako, kinaya ko yon? nakalagpas ako don?

year 2018, i had to deal with sensitive issues that my past leader and some youth members made up. hindi madali, masakit. at hanggang ngayon nakatatak pa din sa akin. same year, until the first 3 months of 2019, i had to deal with depression, anxities, insecurities, fears.

++ all by myself, wala akong set of friends or accountable friends na mapagsasabihan, ayokong malaman ng parents ko kasi mag'aalala sila. Hindi nila alam na ganon pala naging impact sakin non. I only have God. Endless cries everynight, Unanswered questions & questioning my worth.

++ April 2019, i surrendered everything to God, hindi ko na talaga kaya e. And it started to change, i felt that I was renewed again, positivities coming up, i am able to smile genuinely, ramdam ko na everything is really in God's control, and I can say, I'm slowly healing.

++ not until September 2019 came, it was my biggest breakings. That time, i was literally all by myself, knowing that everybody is mad at me, everybody hates me. (Seriously.), everybody doesn't want to be with me, talking behind my back etc.

++ siguro nga may mali sa akin, I'm willing to be corrected naman e, sana sinabi sa akin nang personal.

i remember some people saying "Wag kayong magpapaniwala dyan, gumagawa lang ng kwento yan."

"Plastic yan."

++ "Napipilitan lang naman kaming kasama ka kasi sumasama ka e."

"Ayaw ka naman talaga naming kasama e."

and that hits me hard. since that time, nahihiya na akong sumama kahit sa mga kachurch members or what, kahit inaaya ako.

++ pati yung pagiging close ko sa iilang tao, naging issue pa. gustong gusto kong sabihin na "sila na nga lang yung meron ako, wag nyo na sanang ipagkait."

hindi na ako gaanong umaattend ng parties, ng debuts, pag may alis, di na ako sumasama. i always say busy or hindi pwede.

++ sorry guys, naiisip ko kasi na hindi nyo naman talaga ako gusto kasama, no choice lang. i need to distance myself, masydo nang masakit.

"Hindi na pala nya kaya, baka pag nagsalita ako, magbreakdown ka dyan." sorry for being too soft and weak, masyado nang madami. i need rest.

++ after some breakdowns, i decided to return sa youth service. and it's my best decision. madaming reminders, sobrang daming nag istrike out, naging secured ako sa promises and plans nya, mas kinakaya ko lahat. Big or small problems, surrender agad ang solution ko. it helps.

++ until now, ganon lang lagi. And this time, i'm in a healing process. I really want to thank God for giving me accountable people, habang nasa ganto akong sitwasyon. people who guide and remind me a lot of things.

++ I thank God for giving me courage, confidence and wisdom in fighting this battle. It's not that easy, but I know it's worth it. I'm still growing, i fail, i have sinned but I know where I'm going to run. I know where I belong.

I thank God for making me strong to get this far.

Radiance Faith, i'm so proud of you. I forgive you for everything. Continue on what you are doing, continue being a fighter. Continue being a blessing to everyone. Remember that you are precious, you are loved, you are worth it. Love, remember to whom you belong.

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