Fun facts. I am an experienced ttrpg writer, amazing on camera, and great at a table. I'm also a stellar storyteller. So why do I feel like I can't run and play games sometimes? Why am I afraid? I know why: Sexism, racism, and ADHD. A tiny thread.

My first table top experience was amazing. It was Exalted, and my GM was a woman and the players came from a pretty cool spectrum. I didn't feel any shame about doing something I wanted to try since I was a kid. But let's rewind. My library had 0 role-playing books, and dice? Ha.

To get a copy of a role-playing book then I would have to shell out a lot of money, and then buy specialty dice, which meant I would have had to find a game store. There were no game stores closer than going to The City which was NYC. Then I'd have to convince my friends to play.

Role-playing games were things White people did. If you liked them then you were trying to be white. White people enforced this by following me around comic shops and really encouraging me to stay out. So, that's class and racism stopping me from playing. But the material did too

The material was DnD. For someone with ADHD, a giant book of complicated rules and percentages in tiny print gave me anxiety when I opened it. How the hell was I supposed to remember all the rules *and* tell a story? Especially when the culture is to yell at people who need help.

And on top of that, I and all my friends were the bad people. I couldn't afford to play, I couldn't really grasp all the material, and they didn't want me at the table. I don't belong there. College and WARP (Williams Association of Role Players) welcomed me in, but I struggled

That idea that fudging dice is bad? Well, sometimes I'd fudge dice simply because I couldn't figure out how to do the damages. I'd start having a panic attack and just remember what failed and what succeeded. Then I would fail or succeed based on what was best for the group fun.

I was always scared people would find out that I couldn't memorize rules. I refused to play tabletops because I was often yelled at for taking too long. Women who were eager to show they were different than me often hated me at the table. I made them look bad. I needed help.

So let's add this together. The game is expensive with special tools, the text says I'm bad, the players don't want me, the rolling is anxiety producing, and I struggle with all the rules and I can't do math that fast, and I can't even tell the story I want. I was so ashamed.

@eatenbypotchky was the first person I admitted to feeling like this. He ran a short lived campaign for a few of us, and made sure that I didn't feel so anxious when rolling dice. He basically rewrote Strahd. It was brilliant. I still struggle with the anxiety of playing though.

I'm really honest. I know that someone who writes and runs ttrpgs admitting that they genuinely have a hard time with this stuff is kept quiet. This holds me back in my career. It takes me longer to write games. I feel terrified when I run them. Even though I am really good at it

It's why I hate dice. It's why I prefer easily accessible indie games. Look at the supplements I write for games. They all make you talk more than roll, and when you roll it's simple. That's because I used to get anxious to be seen as "the black girl who shouldn't be here"

Do you think I want to feel like this while performing on camera? No. And that's why I'm really scared sometimes about playing games. Me. A Game writer. Me, an avid player. Me, a badass. If I still can't sit down among my peers and feel okay who like me can? I am NOT alone.

Game Runners: It's not enough to welcome people to a table. What you play and how you play has a big impact. Accessibility, kindness, patience, and care is important. Not everything has to be a roll. Not everything is min max. Give people time to think. Players: Be Gracious.

Just so you know, I've kept this secret a long time, especially as I grew in profile as a writer and designer. I saw a game I wanted to try, but I realized I was scared to say yes. was scared people would find out I'm bad at this. I'm not bad, I need extra time to be fantastic.