One of the hardest things about living with mental illness or any form of pain (in my case a recurrent lower back issue because of a congenital quirk with the way my spine is structured), is the unpredictability of it all

Like I miss being & #39;reliable& #39; in the neurotypical, ableist sense of the word (although I would say that I& #39;m able bodied on most days when the pain isn& #39;t there).

I miss being able to take it for granted that I won& #39;t have to take a raincheck on a personal or professional engagement

Days when I wake up feeling like I can& #39;t breathe deep enough, and that my heart is beating too fast (though my fitness band says my pulse is normal, and I& #39;m sure I& #39;m getting more than enough oxygen), or days like today when I can& #39;t move without pain are frustrating

I try especially hard to not cancel on something when I& #39;ve given my word that I will be there for it.

I have noticed that I was more comfortable cancelling when the reason for cancelling was work related or caregiving related, but not my own mental or physical health.

It& #39;s especially hard to not see a missed meeting or a session as something that does not need to be made up for or compensated in some way and just say that I couldn& #39;t do it.

If you& #39;re looking for answers here, I& #39;m afraid I don& #39;t have them yet. Rather I& #39;m putting this out here to acknowledge that I feel this way and it& #39;s not nice