One of the hardest things about living with mental illness or any form of pain (in my case a recurrent lower back issue because of a congenital quirk with the way my spine is structured), is the unpredictability of it all

Like I miss being 'reliable' in the neurotypical, ableist sense of the word (although I would say that I'm able bodied on most days when the pain isn't there).

I miss being able to take it for granted that I won't have to take a raincheck on a personal or professional engagement

Days when I wake up feeling like I can't breathe deep enough, and that my heart is beating too fast (though my fitness band says my pulse is normal, and I'm sure I'm getting more than enough oxygen), or days like today when I can't move without pain are frustrating

I try especially hard to not cancel on something when I've given my word that I will be there for it.

I have noticed that I was more comfortable cancelling when the reason for cancelling was work related or caregiving related, but not my own mental or physical health.

It's especially hard to not see a missed meeting or a session as something that does not need to be made up for or compensated in some way and just say that I couldn't do it.

If you're looking for answers here, I'm afraid I don't have them yet. Rather I'm putting this out here to acknowledge that I feel this way and it's not nice