Thread by @Fluff_the_catto, I've made a huge mistake and it's killing me, it's carving away [...]

I& #39;ve made a huge mistake and it& #39;s killing me, it& #39;s carving away at my walls, the ones I built to keep the pain out, and I don& #39;t know how long these walls will last anymore.

Maybe it& #39;s just the illness messing with my head, but I need to get this out.

Thread:

I won& #39;t write out my whole story, I& #39;ve never told most of it to anyone, so we& #39;ll leave it at "The world has not been kind."

I gave up on a good life at a very early age, ~13 to be exact, but I couldn& #39;t hurt my family so I decided I& #39;d come up with a way of living without living.

I set up rules and guidelines, and I built these "walls" in my head. It was simple, really:

1. I& #39;d keep to myself.
2. I& #39;d never make friends.
3. I& #39;d be mean, to keep others from getting close.
4. I& #39;d hide away all my emotions.
5. I& #39;d never show my pain to my loved ones.

6. When around family, I& #39;d pretend to be happy.
7. I& #39;d never enter in a relationship.
8. I& #39;d give up on hope.
9. Once I was sure it would no longer hurt anyone, I& #39;d go out to the woods and starve to death.
10. I could never talk about these rules.

Problems were quick to arise, because I wasn& #39;t making friends my mom was worried, so I decided I& #39;d befriend someone just to keep up appearances, but not allow this to turn into a real friendship.

It took a while but I convinced someone to hang out with me.

Years later, I inserted myself into a group of friends, I tried to be one of them. These wonderful people took me in with open arms and I broke more most of my rules within a year. I finally felt happy, like there was hope out there.

Some of my rules stuck around though.

A while ago, something horrible happened, something I had never expected, let alone experienced; I got a crush on someone, for the first time in my life I wanted to get to know someone more than anything and I was willing to do anything just to get close to them.

Problem was, this person was way out of my league in every respect; It didn& #39;t matter how you looked at it, popularity, appearance, personality, etc. This person was better than me in every way, just my luck, eh? I finally have feelings for someone-

And it& #39;s for a person I have absolutely no chance with.
For those of you that hadn& #39;t pieced it together, the person I& #39;m talking about is @kaiisyourhomie, a wonderful guy with a wonderful heart.

I reached out to my friends in desperation, what could I do?

They told me to go for it, to reach out and ask him if he& #39;d like to get to know each other, become friends.

I became absolutely delusional, I wanted nothing more than to be friends with such an amazing person and I would do anything to achieve it.

So, I sent a DM, it went as follows: "Hi, you seem like a lovely person, I& #39;d like us to be friends, want to get to know each other? It& #39;s totally fine if you don& #39;t want to."

Pathetic, I know.

As anyone should& #39;ve suspected, Kai never saw this message.

Around an hour later, I realized just how absolutely insane my behavior was.

Kai didn& #39;t even know I existed, I had no right to ask to be his friend, he knew nothing about me.

I followed up my DM with an apology for my behavior, Kai never saw this either.

I hope like hell that he never sees any of my messages, and that he never sees this thread. I showed such blatant disrespect for his emotions that I will never live it down.

I am beyond embarrassed for my behavior, I let my emotions take control. Never again.

My embarrassment led me to almost make another mistake. I reached out to @ChordProgress, a follower of mine which Kai follows. I wanted to ask them to relay my apology, this was also wrong. I was about to involve an innocent person in my depressive bullshit.

I backed out of it, I made up a narrative about me reaching out to my followers and telling them about my illness so that they could unfollow if they weren& #39;t up for venting content.

I was about to ask someone, who I had never spoken with, to apologise to someone else for me-

For something neither had ever seen. What a fucking pristine display of mental health.

I was so ashamed of myself that I was just about ready to leave Twitter. I had broken my biggest rule, I had hope for some delusion.

I& #39;m reaching out to my therapist, I clearly need to work out some shit.

I& #39;m sorry to have involved some of you in this, I am not well. Most of all I& #39;m sorry for the way I treated you, Kai, I wanted out, I wanted something better. You aren& #39;t some tool for my happiness.

You owe me nothing, you deserve far better than to be the friend I hoped for. I wish you the best in life, I really do.

I am writing this in order to stop myself, if I keep to myself I& #39;ll probably try to fix this, try to befriend him again.

So I decided that if I can& #39;t kill my feelings then I& #39;ll make sure nothing ever comes of them. I figured that if I got this out in the open then I& #39;d be far too ashamed to ever try and befriend someone like this again, and if not, then atleast someone will know that I& #39;ve tried-

This before, and might be able to stop me from being this stupid again.

I really am sorry, for the manipulative and sad display I& #39;ve put on.

I don& #39;t think I& #39;ve ever been this ashamed of myself in my entire life. What was I thinking?

Thank you for reading through this, whoever you are, feel free to make fun of me for this, it& #39;ll only further discourage this behavior in the future.

You should never disturb somebody& #39;s life just because you like them, don& #39;t make the same mistake I have.

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