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I'm still living like a person in lockdown. I'm staying in our house & garden & going for walks in the huge green space nearby. I get all my food delivered & have been putting off going to the post office for over a week because it requires going to the high street. 1/
The only people I've seen in person since the first week of March have been my four housemates, my housemate's children & their partners, my BFF Jason (once), a housemate's friend (once). All the non-members of the household in the garden only. 2/
I should be longing to return to normal life & I am, but... I've become so accustomed to this reclusive life, within such a short time, that I feel daunted. The idea of arranging to meet people, of crossing the city & back within one evening, 3/
of spending money on my Oystercard & on frivolities like coffee (on my income). Of going dancing. It all feels like such a fag. I'm living the life of least resistance: going nowhere, doing nothing. 4/
Of course, my situation is unusually blessed. I work from home anyway. I lived with close friends whom I love, so I have conversation & companionship on tap. I live in a beautiful house with a lovely garden on the edge of a huge area of woodland & heath (in London, JUST). 5/
But still it's scary how quickly one becomes—well, I think the closest term is institutionalised. It's a kind of learned helplessness that is very familiar to me from other times in my life. 6/
I was terrified of leaving Cambridge after my PhD. I thought it was the most beautiful place on earth & it felt so easy to spend all my time simply reading & writing. I didn't want to face other responsibilities & try to feel at home in less effortlessly lovely places. 7/
I stayed in academe for eleven years, despite feeling very unhappy in that career, because I was so daunted by the idea of finding another vocation, of entering the free job market. (I became a dance teacher, which was a fun but appallingly impractical choice). 8/
I stayed in my relationship for even longer. It took years to leave. I was daunted by the idea of being single again & I didn't want to lose our home together, our comfortable lifestyle & start again from scratch, with nothing—& it was hard. 9/
I'm an extravert: I'm not a natural recluse. I'm happiest surrounded by friends. But I'm having that feeling again. I can sense the seductive tug of entropy. The time to cut the umbilical cord & face the wider world again is imminent & I am feeling a tiny bit scared. 10/
I didn't grow up in a very stable situation. Both my parents died when I was young & I wasn't adopted. But everyone I know who had a similar childhood is now fiercely independent, strong, determined, scoffs at ties, is fearless in the face of insecurity, adventurous, bold. 11/
Whereas I have responded with these very strong, almost panicky nesting instincts. The pandemic forced us all to hunker down. And now I'm down I'm daunted at the prospect of getting back up. 12/
