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my brain is being shit and trying to convince me to not be alive, but the fill-in pharmacist at work gave me "homework" - to play return of the obra dinn and tell him what i thought about it - and i don't see him very often so that means i have to stay alive to report back
logic
logic
this is funny because part of the bad feels is rooted in me being rude to him when i asked him to wear a mask/face shield because i was frustrated. i apologized, we talked it out, and we had a good rest of the shift, but my brain still wants me to feel bad. anxiety sucks.
anyways this is a notice that it's completely okay to need to temporarily root your need to stay alive in something that seems small or silly. wanting to see pacific rim again occasionally kept me alive in 2013. right now, sometimes it's the dvds lent to me that need watching.
it's honestly helped listening to the you're wrong about podcast and hearing mike point out repeatedly that suicide is more impulsive than we realize, that getting yourself or your loved one past that bad moment can prevent harm. so i use those thoughts to push me through them.
weird thoughts that have gotten me through dark moments: "ugh my apartment is so gross tho, gotta clean first." "who would take care of the rabbits?" "no one would return my friend's box sets!" "no one wants to clean out my fridge." use what you have to in the moment. it's okay.
uh content warning for talk about depression and suicidal thought for this thread, sorry, wasn't really intending to go on like i did.
