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So I really don’t know how to start this, or even how much I feel comfortable sharing but ...
tw: physical/sexual abuse/suicide attempt
tw: physical/sexual abuse/suicide attempt
I’ve spent the last few years trying to fully understand the things that happened to me when I was younger.
The biggest part of this has been opening up to my therapist and being honest to myself about the people who raised me and the damage they caused.
The biggest part of this has been opening up to my therapist and being honest to myself about the people who raised me and the damage they caused.
I recently opened up to a few people about what I experienced before finally being able to cut toxic, hateful, and abusive people out of my life.
But looking back what truly raised and groomed me was the phrase “Compromise your morals and mind, or we will compromise your body.”
But looking back what truly raised and groomed me was the phrase “Compromise your morals and mind, or we will compromise your body.”
My mother was physically and sexually violent & made me afraid to do or say anything other than what she wanted.
She would “inspect me” & often use sleep-aid medicine to drug me into a daze to keep me from fighting.
She allowed her many boyfriends over the years to do the same.
She would “inspect me” & often use sleep-aid medicine to drug me into a daze to keep me from fighting.
She allowed her many boyfriends over the years to do the same.
My father was simply physically and mentally abusive.
Choking me, slapping me, gaslighting me into believing horrible and hateful rhetoric that made me question everything I did until I was too afraid to do anything without being told to do it.
Choking me, slapping me, gaslighting me into believing horrible and hateful rhetoric that made me question everything I did until I was too afraid to do anything without being told to do it.
He also would never listen to my cries for help when the kids in our neighborhood would beat me regularly.
“Boys should be tough, just fight back, don’t be such a pussy.”
My father was the “lesser of two evils”, which says almost nothing.
“Boys should be tough, just fight back, don’t be such a pussy.”
My father was the “lesser of two evils”, which says almost nothing.
I have talked about this before, but at age 14, I broke down and confronted my father telling him that I couldn’t go on living anymore.
He handed me a gun and told me to just do it since I was such a coward.
I don’t think I’ll ever be “over” that moment...
He handed me a gun and told me to just do it since I was such a coward.
I don’t think I’ll ever be “over” that moment...
How my parents treated me made me desperate for acceptance in any way I could find it, and it made me vulnerable to anyone who was willing to prey on me. It made me stupid, an easy target, and gullible.
Which brings me to something I’ve only vaguely mentioned.
When I started HRT and began transitioning, my doctors revealed to me that I’m Intersex. Something they were surprised that I didn’t already know given the very obvious signs.
When I started HRT and began transitioning, my doctors revealed to me that I’m Intersex. Something they were surprised that I didn’t already know given the very obvious signs.
The first thought I had was how this made everything, physically about me, make sense.
Then I realized how much more sense it made with how my parents and others had treated me all along.
Then I realized how much more sense it made with how my parents and others had treated me all along.
Worse when I was born that my parents had approved of someone doing something to me that would “decide my sex” and covered it up so that it could never be found out.
They knew, they hid it, they took this from me, and the fear & shame of me caused them to treat me how they did.
They knew, they hid it, they took this from me, and the fear & shame of me caused them to treat me how they did.
I will never get back what I lost, or even fully understand the damage it did to me or the acceptance of hate I carried with me as a desperate attempt to feel any love from people who would continue to manipulate me, my body, and my mind.
That’s as much as I’m willing to share, even saying this much makes me feel sick to talk about.
The last 10 years have been filled with people helping me recover, be better, learn, and eventually become me.
I wouldn’t be here and doing the good I’m doing now without that help.
The last 10 years have been filled with people helping me recover, be better, learn, and eventually become me.
I wouldn’t be here and doing the good I’m doing now without that help.
