TW // sexual abuse, PTSD

so a couple of years ago i was diagnosed with ptsd due to the sexual abuse i was a victim of for years as a child. and i rarely speak about it, even with close friends because somehow i feel like i'm being a whiny baby and burdening people with it +

but some days it just gets too much to pretend that i'm not constantly thinking about. these past few weeks have been specially hard because since the covid pandemics started in brazil i haven't had therapy sessions so my symptoms are a bit stronger +

and is just exhausting, you know? i don't even feel like a "survivor" because honestly did i really survive that? if you take a look at dsm it will say that people that suffered from prolonged traumatic experiences have different symptoms of ptsd +

and they are high emotional lability (bordering any lack of control over emotions) and extreme difficulty of building trust and intimacy. it doesn't feel great to relate to that. and it's probably the reason i'm ranting about it on twitter instead of talking to someone i trust +

i just want to scream about it until it's all gone but it will never be completely gone and i'm tired. i've been having so many nightmares lately i wake up feeling more exhausted than when i went to bed +

i'm not really going anywhere with this. there's no hopeful cheery message at the end of this thread it's just me venting out what's been hurting me lately +

but hang in there, i guess? even in the shittiest days i still feel love and joy here and there so at least there's that. that's it i guess, sorry for the string of nonsense about such a disturbing topic i just needed to get it out