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Why BTS& #39;s N.O. is their most impactful song, my story (an important thread) :
I first gained access to the internet when I was 11 years old, I was entering middle school at the time at a very strict traditionalist catholic school, up until this point I had been very closed off and sheltered from most of the world so seeing the internet changed everything
My whole life I had been told exactly who I had to be, I spent the majority of my childhood in churches that I hated, but I never felt like I could do anything. It wasn& #39;t my place, as a woman I was taught to sit still and listen. Soon summer ended and I began 7th grade
I hated it there, I was forced to wear a uniform for modesty, my hair had to be a certain way, I could only wear certain shoes, my makeup had to be extremely light and natural, it wasn& #39;t a huge thing but I felt even more forced into this idea of who I should be
This is when I discovered kpop for the first time, the first video I ever saw was fantastic baby by bigbang, I fell in love with the group instantly, the crazy outfits and hair to intense music videos was liberating compared to my usual gospel hymns, kpop became my escape
As the year progressed I constantly was forced into prayers, chants demonizing lgbt+ people, forced to hold up signs calling women who got abortions murderers, I hated who I was forced to be and any time I spoke up on it I got harshly punished in school and at home
At the same time I was very sick, that school year I had 76 absences, my days were a mix of doctors appointments, failing school, churches, and a very bad home life. Many of the days I spent sick I would just think and cry for hours I felt so trapped and hated everything
During all of this the only thing that made me happy and feel liberated was Bigbang, I spent most of my summer grounded, only leaving the house to get religious therapy to "fix" me. By this time I had also realized I was lgbt+ and felt deep shame, thinking I would go to hell
8th grade soon started and I was determined to do better for everyone around me. So I pushed down all my thoughts of being lgbt+, and wanting to break free. For a couple weeks I was who everyone wanted me to be, I did what I was told, sat quietly, and spent all of my hours
Part of me felt happier, I wasn& #39;t getting suspended anymore, I wasn& #39;t failing school, priest and my parents weren& #39;t yelling at me as much every day because I just agreed that I was a sinner and should work to be a docile wife for my husband, but I was living a lie
I soon gave up studying until 3am every night and pretending I wasn& #39;t me. I was still very sick and missing almost half of every school week, during the days I spent in the hospital or sick at home I first learned of BTS, as I had stumbled across their debut video No More Dream
I began failing school again, I left school required church and got suspended, I had 22 detentions that year for standing up for myself and refusing to participate in homophobia and sexism. At my religious based therapy I yelled at my therapist for treating me like I was crazy
During all this my parents were furious, and would take away my phone for months at a time, which for me was where all my music was, so every time they did this my only escape was gone. My parents were very harsh on me for not conforming to the church, they would get very violent
It was at this time, when it felt like everything in my life was awful, that I heard BTS N.O. and I look at that moment as one of the most impactful of my life, because I finally felt validated for not sitting quietly in a system that abused and silenced me, it became my anthem
At the end of a typical day I would be sick, injured, and had spent most of my day being shamed/yelled at but I would go onto my shitty closet floor and listen to N.O. for hours, it became a source of strength for me
Soon I found myself starting high school, my health had finally gotten better and once again I was determined to finally be happy, but this time I wanted to be happy as myself not as who everyone was forcing me to be
I came out for the first time to my best friend, and she simply said "I wish you didn& #39;t tell me." After that she changed schools for unrelated reasons, though she rejected the true me I mourned losing her. But I continued with my goal, I straight A& #39;s, and I was finally beginning
to love me. I would still listen to N.O. everyday though by this time I had become a full blown army. The lyrics of the song began to not only give me strength but also motivation. And I was motivated to get out of the life I had always felt trapped in.
By sophomore I had a 4.0 and was more dedicated than ever. After one particularly violent moment with my parents who were still furious about who I was (though I never came out to them) the police got involved and I hoped to get emancipated, still feeling ultimately trapped
I couldn& #39;t afford any legal counsel and didn& #39;t know how to navigate emancipation on my own without a phone (it had been taken) or a car, so I realized I had to find a new way to get out. At this N.O. continued to be my anthem, I would listen to it for hours a day
This is when I discovered an opportunity that would change everything for me. A boarding school, that I didn& #39;t have to pay thousands to get into, it was merrit based. I didn& #39;t need money or a car, I could turn away from everything and move to this new life, it became my dream
After interviews, test scores, and another year of straight As, I got in. And by junior year I was hours away from everything and everyone I knew. For the first time in my life I could have aspirations besides being a wife, I could be lgbt+, I didn& #39;t have to spend hours in church
I was finally free. Kpop and BTS is not the reason I escaped, but they are the reason I survived those years. All I needed was one thing to make me keep going, and for me it was as simple as a song, ill forever be grateful to the song N.O.
A lot has happened since then that isn& #39;t part of this story, but rather the story of how I found happiness and my life began. Just know I am better now, and will even be starting college in a month. Thank you for reading this far, remember to live the life you deserve always
the end
