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Have you considered that the reason no one has called you out on your behavior isn& #39;t because they like you and it& #39;s okay... But because they think so little of your ability to take feedback and change?
A thread.
A thread.
Over the last two weeks, more people are speaking out about behavior in the game industry that ranges from tone-deaf to abusive.
More and more, I& #39;m hearing others (mostly men) talk about being worried that they& #39;ll be accused of something that they didn& #39;t realized they did.
More and more, I& #39;m hearing others (mostly men) talk about being worried that they& #39;ll be accused of something that they didn& #39;t realized they did.
I& #39;m also seeing a lot of threads about not trusting men just because they& #39;re nice, and listing out examples of things predators do to build trust. But a lot of those things look an awful lot like what genuinely good people do when they want to be friends.
My best friend is:
1. An exceptionally kind man
2. In the game industry
3. With a considerable amount of notoriety in the community and seniority at his company.
And those are all the red flags that are talked about. And yet... I trust him with my life and safety.
1. An exceptionally kind man
2. In the game industry
3. With a considerable amount of notoriety in the community and seniority at his company.
And those are all the red flags that are talked about. And yet... I trust him with my life and safety.
So I& #39;ve been thinking a lot about better indicators for red flags. Who SHOULD we be watching out for? What are some of the traits, outside of "being nice," do these predators have in common?
And so I& #39;ve been listening to Esther Perel a lot this week for answers to how these people think, so I can watch out for it.
(She& #39;s a world-renown psychotherapist that specializes in love, belonging, closeness, erotic desire, and adventure in human relationships.)
(She& #39;s a world-renown psychotherapist that specializes in love, belonging, closeness, erotic desire, and adventure in human relationships.)
And in one of her podcasts, she was speaking to a serial philanderer, who spoke about never being called out. His friends saw him doing inappropriate things, and they would never call him out.
And that& #39;s when she asked him the question I posed in the first tweet.
And that& #39;s when she asked him the question I posed in the first tweet.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
The overlap between all these men that are being called out is that they either have never been called out, or people close to them have stopped calling them out because they don& #39;t think it& #39;ll change anything.
The overlap between all these men that are being called out is that they either have never been called out, or people close to them have stopped calling them out because they don& #39;t think it& #39;ll change anything.
So how do we identify these people? What do these personalities look like? We& #39;ve all seen it.
The center of attention, who speaks more than they listen. Who, when they aren& #39;t speaking, are waiting for their turn to speak. The person who can never be wrong.
The center of attention, who speaks more than they listen. Who, when they aren& #39;t speaking, are waiting for their turn to speak. The person who can never be wrong.
They& #39;ll be questioned by people they don& #39;t know, and will repaint the sky to insist that it& #39;s always been green.
The person who insists that they know everything about their profession, and are an authority (real authorities will often admit they don& #39;t know everything)
The person who insists that they know everything about their profession, and are an authority (real authorities will often admit they don& #39;t know everything)
They surround themselves with people who will never question them, let alone call them out in the moment.
They view vulnerability as a weakness.
They refuse to understand what privilege is.
They view vulnerability as a weakness.
They refuse to understand what privilege is.
These are the guys who insist that they don& #39;t need to change the way they act-- you just need to chill out. Or they& #39;ll say that who they are in front of people isn& #39;t who they really are, because they& #39;re performing.
Nah man. The world isn& #39;t actually your stage.
Nah man. The world isn& #39;t actually your stage.
So how do we spot the good ones? The ones we can call when we& #39;re in trouble? The ones we can be alone with, and not have to keep our hand on our phone to call for help?
(disclaimer: I& #39;m not giving instructions to predators, because these are very difficult things to fake!)
(disclaimer: I& #39;m not giving instructions to predators, because these are very difficult things to fake!)
Look for the people that listen to input from a wide range of others-- not just the buddies that look like them.
They& #39;ll be open to discussion without turning it into speech and debate.
If you share your POV on an experience, do they accept and believe you?
They& #39;ll be open to discussion without turning it into speech and debate.
If you share your POV on an experience, do they accept and believe you?
Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) has a controversial opinion about something. No one is perfect, because we all have implicit biases. Are you able to talk to this person about those controversial opinions without them getting defensive?
Listening and Learning are much better indicators for who is less likely to mistreat you. Because those are the people who surround themselves with people who will call them out for being shitty, and will make a real effort to not do that again.
And this goes for being called out on anything from sexual misconduct to lacking tact in their job.
We can all work together to end the macho/rape culture in games by being the friend who will question behaviors, and make shitty friends justify what they& #39;re doing.
9/10 times, all it takes is to say, "Hey, why do you think it& #39;s okay to do that?" (it& #39;s a magical question)
9/10 times, all it takes is to say, "Hey, why do you think it& #39;s okay to do that?" (it& #39;s a magical question)
And if we find that person that continuously brushes off feedback, tell them that you can& #39;t call them out anymore, because you think so little of their ability to be a good person.
Little by little, the culture will change.
Little by little, the culture will change.
And since I always keep going long after I think I& #39;m done talking:
It is possible for people to change. I see it all the time. If you tell someone often enough that they are hurting people with their actions, sometimes... it sinks in. I& #39;m still going through that journey myself.
It is possible for people to change. I see it all the time. If you tell someone often enough that they are hurting people with their actions, sometimes... it sinks in. I& #39;m still going through that journey myself.
Be good to each other. 
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