Read this! Exclamation marks make messages seem more friendly! Use lots of them! Also, emojis!

When women write at work, they often use more exclamation marks and snuggly writing!

Is this because of a difference in women? Or a difference in how we treat women? *Hugs!* https://twitter.com/kf/status/1276978626836049920

What is the penalty for *not* writing in a way that coddles the reader enough? Lash back from dudes?

What is the penalty for seeming *too* cheery and deferential? Not enough "leadership presence?"

Thread that needle!

Some of your co-workers are literally incapable of taking feedback from a Black woman, no matter how valid! There's literally no way for her to phrase it that doesn't generate rage from him!

But her job requires her to review other people's code. Every day!

Smile more!

Even women that master these additional constraints on communication, use some percentage of their mental energy to do so.

This creates a performance drag.

This sprinter is fast! But if her peers don't also have parachutes, she'll probably either look slower, or get tired first

So what's the solution? If the game is rigged so that women can't win... then change the game. Change the rules so they don't have to thread that needle.

Y'all love Star Trek right? Basically catnip for tech folk? Well then Kobayashi Maru the communication rules on your team.

You only have to do this a few times to start changing the culture on your team.

When a woman faces this type of criticism for written comms:

1) Talk to dude about it. Tell him it's not OK.

2) Tell the woman that her text was fine.

3) Tell her you that you talked to dude.

Do it every time you see it, but I promise, you'll only do it a few times before you start to notice a change.

Confession: I'm not as good a manager as folk think I am! The initial improvement seen in my reports isn't all them "getting faster." I just cut parachutes off.