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TW: sexual assault
I’m going to talk about something very difficult. I’ve hardly talked about it or told anyone. It’s something I’ve carried with me for almost 20 years and I still feel deeply ashamed and like it’s partially my fault.
I’m going to talk about something very difficult. I’ve hardly talked about it or told anyone. It’s something I’ve carried with me for almost 20 years and I still feel deeply ashamed and like it’s partially my fault.
Back then consent was a subject nobody talked about (especially with teens) , my school district taught abstinence only, and it was unfortunately more acceptable to blame the victim and “slut shame” than it is now.
I was 13 and just started at a new school. It was a very difficult adjustment as I was homeschooled up to that point. Making friends was difficult and I was very lonely. Eventually I found a friend group but I was still very depressed.
One of the people I became friends with was a 16 year old classmate. We both liked anime so we would talk about it over AIM a lot. After time I felt like I could open up and talk about how I was feeling. He gave me the attention wanted and I felt special. One day over chat he
said he would be my boyfriend if I had sex with him. In my 13 year old brain this was fine, I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. We started dating and for the following 9 months I was groomed, raped, and sexually abused. I was abused during class in front of teachers
who never noticed. The age gap in my relationship didn’t seem unusual at the time. But looking back on it the difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old is drastic and I feel like any reasonable adult would be concerned.
Some of the faculty were clearly bothered, however the only thing they did about it was give ME the stink eye. not my boyfriend. The grown ups that should have protected me did nothing. Instead I felt like I was disgusting one.
One day I found out that the very large video collection my boyfriend had on his computer wasn’t all anime. I don’t want to say what it is but I think you can figure it out.
I was forced to watch. It haunts me still. I’m also haunted by the thought that the photos he took of me ended up in someone else’s collection.
After a few months I broke up with him. When I said that I never wanted to do any of those things, he got angry and told me it was
After a few months I broke up with him. When I said that I never wanted to do any of those things, he got angry and told me it was
my fault. If I didn’t want it I should have said no and since I didn’t say no I consented. I was only brining it up with him because I “regretted it”. His view became the accepted narrative. It was me who seduces him and led him on.
Didn’t matter that he later admitted to only using me. And I found out he tried to groom other friends. Mutuals we’re still friends with him after knowing everything. I stopped going to parties he was invited to. The invitations stopped. Nobody gave a shit how I felt.
So I learned that my emotions didn’t matter and as a result I repressed the pain and memories for many years. Even now I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. I should have known better. I should have said no. There’s no satisfying conclusion to my story.
After he graduated I thought I’d finally be rid of him. So imagine the shock I went through seeing him at conventions a decade later. Not as an antendee, but a vendor. I can’t even shop at a local con now without seeing him.
I avoid the booth when I see it, I tell the people I’m with every time that I’m going to check out something else, but don’t explain why. It was so long ago I don’t feel like I can still hold a grudge like that. Calling him out would do nothing for me. We’re past that point.
I don’t know what he’s like now. Maybe he’s changed. Is consuming CSAM something you grow out of? Does he still love getting off to watching young children being raped their parents?
