The more I read about depersonalization, the more I wonder how many of those famous musicians and other performers in the 27 club just had really bad dysphoria and no educational resources to help them understand it.

I've always been really real with you, Twitter. More than I am with almost anyone in my personal life. Depersonalization is the most seen I've felt since I discovered ADHD didn't just mean you were hyper as a kid. It's a fucking bullseye. I don't know what that means yet.

Especially lately, it's mostly been discussed in a gender context. And I don't feel like the nexus of my depersonalization has much of anything to do with gender, necessarily. But it's definitely something. Probably going to take some time to figure out.

Specifically the parts that hit my weak spot for massive damage:
* Feeling like the real you is your mind and it's riding around in a meat robot that feels disposable and you have no real ownership of, which you mentally frame as being free from vanity

* Not being able to imagine a happy future for yourself
* Not being able to answer questions about what you want because you don't really want anything just because
* Only making progress in your life when a crisis forces you to, and never proactively

* Not being able to experience emotions in situations where you think you should
* Knowing your relationship with sex has always been different from your same sex peers but not being able to figure out why.

Anyway, I have a very good therapist and supportive friends. Thank gods