I don't want to sound dramatic, but I'm having a lot of painful thoughts right now. We live in such a deeply misogynistic culture and so many things are coming to light in my personal life/spaces that it's making it kinda hard for me to process some of this shit.

So a fairly well known "safespace" in the goth community was recently revealed to be a cesspool of misogyny, racism and tranpshobia. You'd never get that impression from how they present their image though.

But it turns out women have been abused for years and they were kicked out, not the abusers who were the owners, their friends and certain celebrities who apparently frequented the space.

They're a "members only" club and I only went a few times and had a fairly decent time each time I went, but I guess I couldn't get the hype because they weren't -really- a goth club, in my opinion. More like a bunch of rich people shrouding their normie club in goth attire.

And I don't say that to be a bitch or whatever, it was still a fun space in many ways, but you were more likely to hear a bunch of Hip Hop and top 40s than, you know, goth music. So it was never my favorite space but it was one I always assumed was safe because of memberships.

And recently when trying to flex their support of BLM, a bunch of women came forward to call out how the owner and his friends abused patrons and it was all so shocking to me and other folks in the community. This was the space that was supposed to be safe.

And of course now that we're talking about it, everyone's saying "oh that club?? I knew for years that they were abusive" and to some degree I get that, but wow would I have appreciated a heads up before patronizing that venue and the others with similar stories.

Oh and that's another thing- all of the spaces are being called out and when you look at each of them, it's always some cis hetero dude with power and money coercing women into sleeping with them or pressuring them, and often ousting them when they don't comply.

What's crazy about this for me is I felt so FREE in these spaces. I was empowered to go there, be sex positive, be open, and in retrospect, I'm kinda recognizing that this was part of selling an image of these spaces to the men who frequented them.

Since I've moved to LA, I've become really used to employing this very specific role of the young, sexually open, confident woman who's looking to have a good time and that good time was pretty much always "listen to good music, make new friends, learn more about myself"

And what I'm seeing is curious women, like myself, jump into these communities and meet some dude who they assume is being nice and those women don't find out until it's too late that it was all a fucking ruse. It was all a lie. They don't respect you, they think you're damaged.

And these are messages we've all been fed, but there's such a suspension of disbelief. "Oh, not this club" "Oh, we can do this here" and I'm having a hard time with that. These issues seem to replicate in all spaces regardless of where they are.

How much does a woman's sex positivity truly thrive in a heavily misogynistic culture? How much power does she really have when her sexuality will always be commodified, with or without her consent? I'm just thinking a lot about this.

Like recently I told my story about Ron Jeremy, who technically assaulted me at a bar I frequented before this whole Covid thing happened.

At this bar, there were SO MANY times that I'd be dancing while a band was playing and several men would ask "where do you dance", because they assumed I was working, not just there having a good time and enjoying music like they are.

And there's nothing wrong with them asking that, really, but I think it really kinda established that the women in these spaces are seen as things to be consumed (until they reach a certain age) and that's all becoming more clear to me with time.

My youth and openness meant that I was available and there to entertain. I love meeting people, but when I think hard about it, so many of the men I met from that bar were creeps. Pushy creeps who had a low image of me because I liked to wear crop tops and tight shorts.

I guess I'm wondering if I -can- really go to a bar wearing a crop top and tight shorts and truly suspend my disbelief to the point where I'm ignoring the misogyny. I think that's literally what I did and that's why it's so hard to hear all of these stories.

These spaces are far more misogynistic than I realized and I guess that's terrifying. Is it even the spaces or is it just how humans are? I dunno.

A bar like that is open and everyone comes. Maybe it's fair for me to assume bad shit happens there, but these other events? They were supposed to be different. They were supposed to be safer, but it turns out they're slightly different and more selective feeding grounds.

I dunno guys, I'm just thinking out loud because this stuff is so upsetting to hear about. I just wanna dance, meet people, and have community and that seems so impossible. I hate saying it but cis het dudes continue to ruin this scene and it sucks so much.