One way to think about the difference between harm and abuse:

Years ago, when I was in a new relationship, I developed a strong rapport (and intense chemistry) with a friend. After a few weeks of flirting, and a few drinks, I gave in to temptation and made out with him.

The next morning, I felt super super shitty about what I’d done, immediately told my partner and apologized. I didn’t cheat on him again over the course of our multi-year monogamous relationship.

That incident of cheating was *harm*.

In contrast, during my first serious relationship, my partner routinely cheated on me, pushing my boundaries in our non-monogamous relationship, often manipulating me into accepting behavior I wasn’t comfortable with or outright lying to me about his behavior or gaslighting me.

That extensive pattern of cheating was *abuse*.

Abuse is a power dynamic that extends over time and corrodes the mental, physical, and/or financial wellness of the victim. It’s not merely someone fucking up, it’s an intentional pattern of one person ignoring another person’s needs in pursuit of unilateral control.

“Is cheating abuse?” is something of a meaningless question because it depends on so many factors (and let’s not forget that abuse *victims* may cheat as a way to escape an abuser, too). Abuse isn’t about specific acts, it’s about a pattern of controlling and harmful behavior.

Also, as a PS: one of the things that was so damaging about my abusive relationship is that there was so much lying and gaslighting that I literally don’t know what happened in many instances. That uncertainty about whole chapters of *my own life* is damage I still live with.