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Imagine, if you will, an old-school AM radio, one that you gotta manually tune-in with a dial. You've got this analog knob and can tune into a wide array of stations!
But every so often, seemingly at random, the dial just inexplicably moves without your control. It just seems whenever the dial feels like it, it'll drift and change stations. But you chose 111.2FM! Why is it suddenly 94.9? You were just in the middle of your favorite song!
You'd be pretty goddamn pissed off if your favorite song just up and switched to the middle of some random song that doesn't connect to the song you were listening to at all! You've switched styles, lyrics, and even genres in an instant and are completely thrown off of your vibe.
That's how my brain feels. Constantly.
Every time I think, I'm subject to the horrors of my own dial.
Every time I think, I'm subject to the horrors of my own dial.
My focus is nothing more than a roulette wheel, and most of the time I don't bet on the winning spot.
Much like real roulette, trying to bet correctly is a losing game.
Much like real roulette, trying to bet correctly is a losing game.
I'll dial in to focus on a paper, cooking, drawing, or even just playing video games. Nothing guarantees that the dial won't drift off within five minutes.
There's another caveat to the dial. In addition to getting drifty, it also likes to get stuck on a certain station for a while. You're sick of 98.4FM! You desperately want to change it! You've spent the past seven hours doing nothing but listening to 98.4FM!
You initially tuned in because you enjoyed 98.4FM, but now you've grown sick of it and want to change your station. You were able to keep the dial from drifting, but the dial has grown stuck and even when you desperately want to change the dial, it's locked in.
I'll spend an hour staring at my desktop and just looking at nothing because even though I want to do something, the dial's stuck at seventy four point whateverthefuck and it won't budge.
But, here's the fun thing. There's another, another addendum to how this magical dial works. It /can/ be influenced into staying steady on a frequency with the help of a second, working radio.
Just for clarity's sake, the "frequency" stuff represents both the kinds of focus and thoughts I have as a whole. Not only is it honing my focus on specific projects, it's the clearing of my thoughts to hone that focus.
This second radio helps clear those thoughts. Say I'm drawing, let's call that focus... a low frequency task. While it's not incredibly intensive, it still requires a stable tone in order to get done.
If I put something "low frequency" in the background, it'll resonate with my brain and amplify the focus I have! Course, same goes with "high frequency" stuff. The issue is just finding whatever the hell actually resonates.
Again, another gamble to find something to fixate on. But god, it's so worth it to finally find a good combination of stuff that lets me help fixate while I work! God I wish I could just throw on whatever as white noise for my brain, but it's better than nothing.
Anyways, sorry for that unnecessary vent post. I hope this even remotely helps someone figure out how their brain works a little better. This has been something I've spent the past few months in quarantine reflecting over and has taken me forever to figure out.
Final addendum as an image
