It’s one thing to say it’s difficult to parent. It’s very hard to be a parent.

It is another entirely to say that non-parents are “privileged”. Using privileged is a total and inaccurate misappropriation of identity politics discourse to weaponize the unpaid work of parenting.

When we talk abt privilege (white privilege, male privilege), we are sayinf the entire system is built around and centers these identities, to socially advantage and normalize them — privilege.

Society is fundamentally built around child-rearing. Non-parents are not privileged.

* — saying.

Thanks for nothing, autocorrect.

In many (cisheternormative, patriarchal) large and small ways, society is built around the parental identity, and by default presumes the drive to bear and raise children. We structure society around the nuclear family unit. We moralize about how parenting saves the species.

(Sorry, I'm back. Ironically, I had to break to finish up a bedtime already running super late.)

Every aspect of society is built around the assumption that we will, want to, and can have children. Marriage as an institution has traditionally been based on childrearing.

We build schools. We center cultural and social events around the family unit. We promote economic incentives to have children.

The default identity in society is the parent, not the non-parent.

This is especially true for women (because patriarchy). The default role for women primarily assumes that of parent and other domestic, unpaid roles -- over that of professional.

Thus, it is highly problematic to appropriate language of "privilege" here, when society is in fact structured around the identity of parenthood.

It is ESPECIALLY problematic when one considers that to be a non-parent is complex, and sometimes but not always a choice.

For some folks, being a non-parent is a choice. But if you assume it is always a choice, that assumption is deeply ableist, and may also be grounded in cishet assumptions of what a parental unit looks like.

(On that note, this is also why I'm using the term "non-parent" instead of "childless". As someone who struggled to conceive, 'childless' feels insensitive.

It is also hugely insensitive to people who have experienced miscarriage and/or the loss of a child.)

Being a parent is a privilege, in large ways and small, especially as someone who lives with fertility issues. Not only must I recognize that my choice to have a child aligns me with society's conventions, but also my child is my joy and I am deeply privileged to be their parent.

None of that means that being a parent -- especially during pandemic times, especially as a working parent during pandemic times -- is easy. It's not. It's fucking hard. It's really, really, really fucking hard.

I am one of only two parents of young children in my work cohort. I am the only one without ANY childcare support outside of my partner -- i.e. no extended family, no live-in nanny, no resources (or interest, re: pandemic!) to hire regular childcare support.

Our child is still at an age where they cannot do anything independently for more than a couple minutes at a time. On top of our work demands, my partner and I have spent pandemic times trying to juggle 12-14h a day of non-stop childcare responsibilities, by ourselves.

It has been admittedly frustrating to interact with non-parents (or even parents of older kids) who sometimes don't have a frame of reference for what it's like to try and parent a toddler during quarantine without childcare support, or usual social activities.

It's very difficult to parent this way, and most of pandemic times work is unconsciously unforgiving: for example, one of the hardest things to try and accommodate as a parent of a toddler during quarantine is synchronous meetings on Zoom.

To get through pandemic times, we have created a highly structured day, with consistent times for indoor vs. outdoor time, meals, naps, etc. This helps create security and stability for the toddler, but it also means that even though we're home, we have little flexible time.

It's VERY hard to carve out time for 1-2h Zoom meetings when you can't focus on the kid, especially when you can't tell the rest of your work cohort to pick nap time -- and especially because nap times are like 75% reliable quiet time anyways.

So yes, having a lot of remote work revolve around synchronous Zoom meetings is one thing that society is doing right now that is very hard for parents. Another is the expectation that we can all be equally productive at home as if we were in an office. Parents can't be.

I find myself frequently wishing non-parents could be more sympathetic to how hard it is to be a parent right now, and that I didn't have to constantly fight the structural ways we do work in pandemic times that is much harder if you're also a parent right now.

I also frequently think about how my experiences compel me to redouble my commitment to viewing childcare/family leave as something that should be a universal right, especially because women typically bear a disproportionate brunt of unpaid, unrecognized childcare duties.

So yes, parenting is really fucking hard. I routinely get too little sleep, haven't been able to finish an adult conversation around my kiddo in two years, and tonight I was given exactly 5 minutes to eat my dinner.

NONE OF THIS MEANS THAT BEING A PARENT IS BEING UN-PRIVILEGED.

What I really think we need right now is to hold ourselves accountable to being gentler with each other, no matter our circumstances.

Everyone is dealing with a massive global crisis that has upended our livelihoods and threatens our lives.

It's hard for me being a parent right now, and folks without toddlers may not understand what it's like. But I also don't know what it's like to parent older children (who need to be homeschooled, for example) during pandemic times. I don't know someone else's challenges.

And that doesn't even begin to address the challenges other people are facing for being immigrant, poor, an essential worker, unemployed, chronically ill, etc. during COVID times.

So let's maybe give each other a little space and understanding all round. Just because shit is hard for me right now because I'm a parent doesn't mean shit is easy for you because you're not.

Shit is just hard. Let's just wear our fucking masks and try to make it through.

If you get nothing else out of this Twitter thread, please consider checking in with your friends and colleagues, regardless of if they're parents. Most people are struggling, and perhaps some more than they're willing to publicly let on.

It might help to feel seen & cared for.

Addendum, because I realize I had intended to say this but didn't say this: the way we structure work implicitly advantages non-parents, especially right now. That's not because of "non-parent privilege", that's because of patriarchy. Paid work is traditionally male-centric.

Many paid workplaces assume that childcare is a non-issue because -- you guessed it -- patriarchy! In workplaces, men are presumed to have a wife who will shoulder all the childcare responsibilities for them, allowing them to operate as a professional as if they have no kids.

What some people see as "non-parent privilege" is actually just one aspect of male privilege being the way in which traditionally paid work has been structured to accommodate men who can pass off all expectations of childcare duties to their partners.

In other words, how hard it is to be a working parent during pandemic times?

Welcome to life all the time as a parent without male privilege.