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Trust me to focus on the one aspect of my life that is not going the way I had hoped it would by now
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I& #39;m so blessed in many areas of my life, so much to be thankful for, so much to look forward to, but here I am, letting the negative thoughts and opinions of myself prevail instead. God has been so good to me, but no, here I am focusing only on my perceived failure.
I& #39;m so used to things falling in place the way I want them to (and when I want them to) and when that doesn& #39;t happen, I panic and spiral into a pit of self condemnation. I entertain the worst thoughts about myself and are very unforgiving to myself.
I want it all and as much as I can have that to a certain extent, I have to manage my expectations of myself coz the pressure I put on myself is so unhealthy. And as much as I& #39;m not very impressionable, I& #39;m still human, and can& #39;t avoid societal pressures entirely.
I& #39;ve always joked that I& #39;m a professional overthinker, but no words could be truer. And as much as some people may find that to be a good thing, I find it to be detrimental to my overall mental and emotional wellbeing. I hate it so much. I sometimes want to turn my thoughts off.
It& #39;s funny that the pressure to date, get married and have kids (that I& #39;ve already said I don& #39;t want) - doesn& #39;t even come from my family and friends. It comes from outsiders at work, who don& #39;t even truly know me, and judge me for the little part that they do know.
Due to spending the most time around these people, I& #39;m increasingly developing feelings of inadequacy and it sucks. Because I& #39;ve done and achieved so much outside of my purpose "as a woman". It& #39;s made me question myself in ways I never have before.
And I question myself because they question me. I& #39;ve always gone my own way in this life and have been allowed to do so freely by those closest to me. They& #39;ve never questioned my decisions or actions. I& #39;ve been the happiest loner for most of my life and been accepted that way.
I hate to admit when I get bothered by things, but again, I& #39;m only human. God has a purpose for me in this life. I honestly don& #39;t think I know what it is though, for now. And I feel like my relationship with God is what I need to work on the most. I& #39;ll never know peace otherwise.
I won& #39;t lie, I like to be in control. But I feel like when it comes to my faith, I need to relinquish some of that control, if not all if it entirely. And let God use me the way He sees fit. I don& #39;t want to be easily influenced by the people and ways of this world.
I take a long time to admit to myself that I have a problem with something coz I usually think that giving it attention will only make it more real and make me feel weak in the process. And I hate being weak and feeling vulnerable.
I don& #39;t want to be made to feel like there& #39;s something wrong with me, just because I haven& #39;t gone about things the way society thinks I should for my age. And the more people imply that there& #39;s something wrong with you, you start to entertain thoughts that there really might be.
And yes, this thread has as much to do about the pressure I put on myself as much as the pressure that others in society put on me. I& #39;m so tired. As a woman, can& #39;t I just be?? Just exist nje, in whatever form I& #39;m meant to. No pressure, no expectations.
And again I go back to one thing: God has a plan and purpose for my life - I just don& #39;t know what it is or when it will be realised. But I do know that I need to get closer to Him, so that He can reveal the real purpose and course of my life.
