With everything going on recently, I wanted to share a relevant story from my own life regarding accountability.

In 8th grade, another girl and I created a Gossip Girl-style website that said incredibly hurtful things about our classmates. I built the site, she wrote the posts.

Eventually, the school tracked it back to me and I was caught. Though they knew there were two of us involved, I decided not to tell them who the other person was and take the full punishment myself. I got suspended, and I had to stand up on stage and apologize to my whole grade.

When I came back to school, a boy called me out in front of everyone. “I can’t believe YOU made the website!” he said. I explained to him that I had apologized for it. “Oh? Well I was absent that day.” So I apologized again, to him personally. Seeing my remorse, he forgave me.

In high school, our district combined with another, which meant there were suddenly hundreds of new students, who all knew that I’d made the website but hadn’t been there for my apology. Over the year, I probably said I was sorry a hundred more times. And at first, I was pissed.

“I already said sorry for this, why can’t people just move on? Why are they all attacking me for this? Can’t they see I’ve changed?” I just wanted it to all go away.

But then, one day, I was talking to one of my oldest friends at lunch when suddenly she brought up the website.

“Hey Sarah, I need to tell you something. I know you said you were sorry for making the website, and I believe you. But I gotta tell you, I haven’t been able to look at myself the same since I read that post on the site about how I was the least likely person to marry my crush.”

And in that moment, it hit me. No matter how many times I apologized or swore I didn’t really mean the things I helped post on that website, the people they were about still felt them. And each person was hurt by them differently, that’s not something I could just make disappear.

That hurt matters. It has lasting effects. It can warp your self-image and cause irreparable harm, and I’d caused people that pain completely unwarranted. I can’t demand forgiveness from someone who is still being hurt by my actions. All I can do is make sure I never do it again.

I wasn’t a victim. I’m still not a victim. I made a terrible choice that hurt other people, and I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life. But the only way I can possibly make amends for what I did is by apologizing when it’s asked of me and making better choices in the future.