There exists a thing that is not gaslighting but seems to be conflated with that from time to time.

Wishful lying.

Frequently found in family or friend groups, or workplaces, in which avoiding conflict is perceived as more important than facing problems.

In wishful lying, Person X talks to Person A, and then X carries the message to Person B. A and B, for many potential reasons, do not communicate directly with each other much if at all.

X believes that telling B the entire truth will cause problems.

X isn't going to LIE, no, of course not. But they do reframe and recast the emotion of the message in order for B to accept it.

For instance, A says, "We are absolutely not going on vacation this year." X tells B, "Well, it doesn't look great, but we'll wait and see!"

In poly relationship situations, wishful lying is a deadly poison. A says I am not comfortable with that, X tells B that A needs some more time. B says they can wait a while for A to come around. X tells A that B is respecting their boundaries.

Eventually, A says "Why is B still asking me to do this, I said No! B is an lying manipulator!!" to X.

And B says "Why won't A come around and do the thing we all agreed! Why are they a lying manipulator!" to X.

And X is the only person who knows how this escalated.

It's not that X is gaslighting A and B.

It's that X is an emotional coward who thinks that maybe everyone will just get along as long as no one ever acknowledges and discusses the conflicts.

X thinks they are *helping*, the poor sod.

Wishful lying often comes from previous manipulate, abusive, or just not very functional relationships in a person's life. It can be vitally important, even life saving, to defuse abusers and deflect conflict.

But it is a shit sandwich with lie-sauce to functional polyamory.