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I'd like to ramble for a minute, please, if I could, about how not to be an abusive romantic partner to someone with less power than you.
When I entered into a relationship with Kissmate, I was very nervous. I've been abused before and I'm very scared of becoming an abuser by modeling, consciously or unconsciously, the abusive behavior I've endured.
Kissmate was the first person I dated who was younger than me (I'd always been the younger party in previous relationships) and he makes less than I do, wage-wise. I'm also aware I have some vague "internet clout" that has a nebulous sort of possible power.
I've made a frequent habit of checking in with Kissmate. Is he ok with me sharing this online? Is he ok with me retweeting this or that thread of his? He knows he can tell me no, right? He doesn't have to go along with me just because I have an idea. Etc.
It might sound silly, but I tried to model these check-ins off of the consent models I learned from thoughtful BDSM practitioners: are you safe? are you happy? are you experiencing any discomfort or uncertainty? do we need to pause and talk and maybe do things differently?
Kissmate is very good at asserting boundaries. So much better than I am. If he doesn't want to do something, he says so. Clearly. And then heaven and earth won't force him. I'm so proud and envious of his confidence.
But it meant he didn't really understand why I kept asking.
But it meant he didn't really understand why I kept asking.
Why did I need to keep checking on his consent when I know he'll tell me if he's not happy?
I told him about how my abusers hurt me. How they'd steam-roll over me before I could object, how they kept me feeling too little or too scared to speak up.
I told him about how my abusers hurt me. How they'd steam-roll over me before I could object, how they kept me feeling too little or too scared to speak up.
I told him I was trying to treat him the way I wished people had treated me. He held me and let me cry in his shoulder and told me I could check in as often as I need. So I do so, even if it's maybe not strictly needed by him, because it's important to me that no one abuse him.
When we got married, I told him that I wanted a pre-nup that would protect him. So that I couldn't try to screw him over the way my ex tried to screw me. He laughed and said he couldn't imagine me doing something like that. I hope he's right! I still wanted him protected.
So we have a prep-nup which protects him if we ever break up. He can walk away from this marriage at any time without worrying that he might have an expensive ruinous fight on his hands. That was important to me. I didn't have that before. I wanted him to have what I didn't have.
I don't really know why I'm sharing all this right now, except that we've been talking a lot lately about abusive "power gap" relationships in the publishing industry. And it's...I don't think it's hard to set up a relationship where the person with less power is protected.
But it does take conscious effort that you have to put in because (a) you care about this person and (b) you care about not becoming an abusive monster. And it feels like a lot of people haven't been willing to put in that effort.
It's not enough to just la-dee-da through your relationship and assume they'll tell you if they're unhappy with something. You need to check in with them. You need to consciously craft a safe space, with safety nets, so they *can* safely speak up if they don't like things.
If you're not willing to weave a safety net for your loved ones, then I wonder how much you really love them. I guess.
