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When I was sixteen, and a grown up, just like Ariel, so mature, so adult, I really, really, REALLY wanted to fuck an adult male friend of mine.
I didn& #39;t want to make love to him; I didn& #39;t know what that meant, not really. I didn& #39;t want to have sex with him; that implied a degree of experience I didn& #39;t have. I wanted to fuck him.
I wanted him to do all sorts of vile things to me. Things I didn& #39;t really understand, but had encountered in books, and things I sadly did understand.
And I was pretty hot at sixteen. I had legs for days, I had that hollow-cheeked look that comes from malnutrition and the fashion magazines try to pawn off as desirable, I had boobs that defied the touch of gravity.
My tits were Elphaba in a black lace shell with no bra, and they wanted to destroy all of Oz.
So I threw myself at this guy--this man, this adult man with a job and a car and money and food in his kitchen, none of which were things I possessed--like I was a penis-seeking missile, and you know what he did?
He did not fuck me.
He looked at this hot, desperate, lonely sixteen year old who wasn& #39;t as adult as she thought she was, and he said "I have all the power and she has none," and he gave me a sandwich and talked me through what I thought I wanted.
He looked at this hot, desperate, lonely sixteen year old who wasn& #39;t as adult as she thought she was, and he said "I have all the power and she has none," and he gave me a sandwich and talked me through what I thought I wanted.
He was honest with me about why this was a terrible idea, and why I could think I wanted something and not understand how wrong I was. He told me that if I still wanted this when I was twenty-one, he& #39;d unlock his bedroom. He sent me home with twenty dollars and a candy bar.
It should not be remarkable that an adult man, offered a free and clear fuck from a teenage girl, turned it down. But it is.
Now: any of us who is in a position of power in our industry has the capacity to be that adult man.
Now: any of us who is in a position of power in our industry has the capacity to be that adult man.
If an aspiring author comes to me just panting for it, like I was, just dying for it, it may seem easier to go "well, I wanted it too, and they started it, why not?"
And the "why not" is a power imbalance so big that there is no possible way to encompass it in a tweet thread. The "why not" is that even if she thinks she wants it (like I did) it would be abusive. The "why not" is also self-protection.
Come back in five years. You& #39;ll either be established in your career or have given up. I can fuck you in five years, if I& #39;m still your white whale. But right now, no. Just like he said to me.
I& #39;m a long way from sixteen now. But he turned what could have been trauma into teaching, and I will always be grateful.
I wish all acts of saving me from myself had come with twenty dollars, a candy bar, and a ride home.
I wish all acts of saving me from myself had come with twenty dollars, a candy bar, and a ride home.
