Yesterday, in news that ROCKED the golf world, Martin Kaymer said that he overheard another Ryder Cup team member having sex early in the morning at the team hotel. But who was it? Folks, it's time for some Investigative Journalism. Thread coming.

First off, watch the video here:

https://twitter.com/RyderCupEurope/status/1276213006062563330

It's funny, it's weird, it's a little creepy. Kaymer is an interesting dude.

And of course, we all want to know who he's talking about. Let's begin.

The basic facts:

1. This happened on Wednesday morning at the 2016 Ryder Cup in Minnesota on the floor of the hotel where the Europeans were staying.

2. Kaymer was alone, but heard the noise in an adjoining room.

3. The perpetrator was with his "at the time girlfriend."

Now, let's start with the term "team member." This, of course, could mean a caddie, it could mean a staffer. I'm choosing to believe it does not mean these things, because that would make this case just about impossible to solve. I believe Kaymer is talking about a fellow player

I will proceed with this assumption, and return to it at the end.

Here are the suspects:

Rory McIlroy
Danny Willett
Henrik Stenson
Chris Wood
Sergio Garcia
Rafa Cabrera-Bello
Justin Rose
Andy Sullivan
Matthew Fitzpatrick
Lee Westwood.
Thomas Pieters

Let's start simple. Kaymer described the perpetrator's partner as a "girlfriend." That means we can eliminate anyone who was married in 2016.

Cross off Danny Willett, Henrik Stenson, Chris Wood, and Justin Rose.

(For the record, all vice captains except Bjorn were also married)

Next, we look at the exact language Kaymer used to describe the partner. He said, "one team member and his at that time girlfriend..."

The critical words here: "at that time."

That means the relationship has changed. That means the girlfriend is either gone, or is now a wife.

Research on Google and Instagram and Twitter and Getty photos reveals that Thomas Pieters was dating Eva Bossaerts at the time, and is *still* dating Eva Bossaerts. The same is true for Lee Westwood, who was dating Helen Storey then and now.

Matthew Fitzpatrick, very young then, was already dating his college girlfriend, and there's no evidence she was even at the Ryder Cup. Regardless, they're still dating.

That means we can eliminate Pieters, Westwood, and Fitzpatrick.

(this also lets us eliminate Bjorn, who is still with the same girlfriend from 2016.)

That leaves four:

Rory McIlroy
Sergio Garcia
Rafa Cabrera-Bello
Andy Sullivan

Let's talk about Sullivan. Thanks to the British tabloids, which truly have no conscience, we know that he had two break-ups that year. The second of the two came JUST before the Ryder Cup. We also know that in golf, there's an almost fetishistic obsession with wives and gfs.

which means that there are endless galleries from Hazeltine of the various couples. There is no picture of Andy Sullivan with anyone. That, plus the breakup evidence, let's us eliminate him. Leaving:

Rory McIlroy
Sergio Garcia
Rafa Cabrera-Bello

This is where it gets tough. That week, research confirms that all three players had their girlfriends with them. All three of them later married those same girlfriends. In fact, all three got married the next year, in 2017. All three fit Kaymer’s criteria.

I listened to Kaymer’s story again and again, trying to find anything I might have missed, desperate for a clue, and after ten or so viewings, I think I MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, picked up something. At the 1:40 mark, he says the following:

“So we play a practice round on the Wednesday. When we got back to the room…they had two single beds in the room.”

Now, what does the "we" mean here? Could it be referring to the entire team?
Sure.

But this detail stops me: When Kaymer returned to the hotel, he saw into the player’s room. He saw the two beds.

Could it mean he arrived back at the hotel that Wednesday SIMULTANEOUSLY with the player?

And with that kind of timing, isn't it very likely that they finished their practice rounds together? Which means, of course, that they PLAYED together?

Could that be the "we" in question here? When Kaymer said "we play a practice round," did he mean himself and the player??!?

If this were the case, we'd need to know the partnerships for that Wednesday. Luckily, media is obsessed with this info at the RC since it sometimes indicates future pairings. A quick search is all it took to bring up the practice foursomes that Wednesday.

Rafa Cabrera-Bello, suspect no. 3, played with Fitzpatrick, Stenson, and Westwood.

Sergio Garcia, suspect no. 2, played with Rose, Willett, and Sullivan.

Rory McIlroy, suspect no. 1, played with Wood, Pieters, and...

Martin. F***ing. Kaymer.

Now, look.

Look.

Is this definitive?

Is it even good research?

No. There are too many holes. Too many leaps. It could have been a caddie.

But is this the Internet, where people won't read past the previous tweet, and my tone of certainty and revelation will carry the day?

You tell me, baby. You tell me.

End thread.