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Being neurodivergent can really mess with the way we experience attraction and I know this is uncomfortable topic because I& #39;ve always felt some degree of second hand embarrassment for myself. But I think it& #39;s worth reflecting on.
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We talk a lot about hyperfocus and hyperfixations in the ND community but for me attraction to a person has always been the hardest thing to control, although as I& #39;ve gotten older the feeling has muted a little.
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There& #39;s never going to be an issue if you hyperfixate on your special interests but if you hyperfixate on a person, it can be awkward and uncomfortable. For me, infatuation can feel exactly like a hyperfixation.
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I have my old diary from my teenage years and when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic I looked through it and being infatuated was one of those things that really stood out to me as an indicator that I am autistic.
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When we are infatuated, hyperfixation means we literally cannot stop thinking about the person. At that age, I kind of feel like I couldn& #39;t help but imitate the narratives about romance I& #39;d seen in the media, which idealises a kind of desperate longing.
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Each of my crushes lasted for at least 3 years and I never developed any relationships with any of them. I didn& #39;t know how. I also think it& #39;s clear to me now that my infatuation was usually quite obvious to people around me and they found it weird.
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I recognise that pattern of attraction in some autistic children now and to be honest it& #39;s a little comforting because as an autistic adult who understands them, it& #39;s not so strange as it seems.
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There& #39;s a lot that drives the uncontrollable hyperfixation/infatuation. At the heart of it is loneliness tbh because I thought a romantic relationship was the only way I could feel connected to someone. I had people I hung out with, but I only had my first friends at 17.
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After I had friends, the problem of unrequited crushes lessened because I understood that friendship was the actual need there. But I continued to have problems with attraction: one was not understand the difference between platonic friendship and romantic attraction.
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I also struggled with rejection and this is a difficult topic but as autistic people the concept of explicit consent is absolutely necessary in all contexts because we have trouble with social cues and implicit boundaries.
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The good news is that we can learn. I learnt to be explicit about my intentions and feelings, as well as to get explicit statements from other people about how they felt/thought. Not everyone wants to do this but I think it& #39;s the only way things can work for us.
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Like for my fiancee, I was quite literal about saying "I like you, do you like me?" 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😂" title="Gesicht mit Freudentränen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit Freudentränen">
But what has helped the most is actually breaking down my process of attraction so that I know how to manage different types of attraction too.
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But what has helped the most is actually breaking down my process of attraction so that I know how to manage different types of attraction too.
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For me it develops as: Aesthetic attraction (attractive features/appearance), platonic attraction (I want to be friends), romantic attraction (I would like to date them) then sexual attraction. I need to know and understand what kind of attraction I& #39;m feeling to manage it
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Being ND means all of those attractions can be really intense, so for me platonic attraction can really give me the same feelings as falling in love (though obviously if I experience all of the attractions it is stronger as was the case with my fiancee).
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So having clarity for myself means I can manage my feelings better and not rashly act on them as if I was falling in love with everyone and wanting to date everyone. The nice thing about ND attraction is that when you do it right, the intensity is actually a plus.
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Like my fiancee and I literally spent an hour staring into each others eyes on our first date because I hyperfocused on her... It was intense.
The drawback is that you can expect a sharp dropoff in interest later. I& #39;ve received this complaint twice.https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😅" title="Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß" aria-label="Emoji: Lächelndes Gesicht mit offenem Mund und Angstschweiß">
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The drawback is that you can expect a sharp dropoff in interest later. I& #39;ve received this complaint twice.
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Personally I find that communicating the difference between outward behaviour/interest and inward states is quite important. Our body language etc reads different from neurotypicals and my behaviours don& #39;t necessarily reflect how I feel.
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