Being neurodivergent can really mess with the way we experience attraction and I know this is uncomfortable topic because I've always felt some degree of second hand embarrassment for myself. But I think it's worth reflecting on.

1/

We talk a lot about hyperfocus and hyperfixations in the ND community but for me attraction to a person has always been the hardest thing to control, although as I've gotten older the feeling has muted a little.

2/

There's never going to be an issue if you hyperfixate on your special interests but if you hyperfixate on a person, it can be awkward and uncomfortable. For me, infatuation can feel exactly like a hyperfixation.

3/

I have my old diary from my teenage years and when I was trying to figure out if I was autistic I looked through it and being infatuated was one of those things that really stood out to me as an indicator that I am autistic.

4/

When we are infatuated, hyperfixation means we literally cannot stop thinking about the person. At that age, I kind of feel like I couldn't help but imitate the narratives about romance I'd seen in the media, which idealises a kind of desperate longing.

5/

Each of my crushes lasted for at least 3 years and I never developed any relationships with any of them. I didn't know how. I also think it's clear to me now that my infatuation was usually quite obvious to people around me and they found it weird.

6/

I recognise that pattern of attraction in some autistic children now and to be honest it's a little comforting because as an autistic adult who understands them, it's not so strange as it seems.

7/

There's a lot that drives the uncontrollable hyperfixation/infatuation. At the heart of it is loneliness tbh because I thought a romantic relationship was the only way I could feel connected to someone. I had people I hung out with, but I only had my first friends at 17.

8/

After I had friends, the problem of unrequited crushes lessened because I understood that friendship was the actual need there. But I continued to have problems with attraction: one was not understand the difference between platonic friendship and romantic attraction.

9/

I also struggled with rejection and this is a difficult topic but as autistic people the concept of explicit consent is absolutely necessary in all contexts because we have trouble with social cues and implicit boundaries.

10/

The good news is that we can learn. I learnt to be explicit about my intentions and feelings, as well as to get explicit statements from other people about how they felt/thought. Not everyone wants to do this but I think it's the only way things can work for us.

11/

Like for my fiancee, I was quite literal about saying "I like you, do you like me?"

But what has helped the most is actually breaking down my process of attraction so that I know how to manage different types of attraction too.

12/

For me it develops as: Aesthetic attraction (attractive features/appearance), platonic attraction (I want to be friends), romantic attraction (I would like to date them) then sexual attraction. I need to know and understand what kind of attraction I'm feeling to manage it

13/

Being ND means all of those attractions can be really intense, so for me platonic attraction can really give me the same feelings as falling in love (though obviously if I experience all of the attractions it is stronger as was the case with my fiancee).

14/

So having clarity for myself means I can manage my feelings better and not rashly act on them as if I was falling in love with everyone and wanting to date everyone. The nice thing about ND attraction is that when you do it right, the intensity is actually a plus.

15/

Like my fiancee and I literally spent an hour staring into each others eyes on our first date because I hyperfocused on her... It was intense.

The drawback is that you can expect a sharp dropoff in interest later. I've received this complaint twice.

16/

Personally I find that communicating the difference between outward behaviour/interest and inward states is quite important. Our body language etc reads different from neurotypicals and my behaviours don't necessarily reflect how I feel.

17/

I'm very lucky to have a partner who understands this and listens to me when I tell her that I don't perform love and interest in the same way neurotypicals do.

This has been a long and personal thread but I know this was one of the biggest struggles of being ND for me.

18/18