How we got to here (or "Blue lost her mind and proposed to an uppity rabblerouser")

Blue and I have been together since the end of October last year, but best friends for the last 6/7 years. We've taken turns staying up all night to make sure the other had someone to talk...

to on the really rough nights, we've spent time hanging out talking about everything and anything, we've dropped everything and rushed to help the other when we've ended up in hospital for some reason or another.

She was one of the people who took me as I am, sometimes mess...

that I was, and I accepted her the same. Having someone who I was safe around enough to tell everything to was kind of a new thing, and Blue ended up being one of the first people I came out to.

Even that wasn't a bother. It was just something she filed away and we'd have...

the occasional discussion on where I was up to and whether I would/could do anything about it.

When my life in Newcastle imploded in an absolute mess of bad timing and catastrophe she was the person who brought me home.

Therapy, doctors appointments, a near medical disaster, she was there for all of it. She was beside me when I came out, when I had *that* appointment with my doctor to start HRT.

Then lockdown happened.

One month of HRT and I didn't realise exactly how much I'd be upending everything, and doing that in lockdown? I would have been better setting fire to everything and starting from scratch. Then again... it's basically what I was doing.

But we talked. She was there.

After about three weeks? I'd been quiet. I was trying to figure out how this reframed practically everything from how I saw and felt things to how I experienced food (which I often gush about: my newfound love of sundried tomato).

She was patient as ever. She checked in to...

make sure I hadn't fallen down some kind of introspective well, as I was sometimes prone to. But then once I got the hang of it and had something to use as a horizon again, things picked up...

When we were allowed to see each other again things were kinda different... subtly.

Not in a bad way. If we clicked before, then the dynamic between us was that times 10. We talked more, we spent more time figuring each each other out, I didn't know I could love her more than I did.

So I apologised to her for the time I spent getting used to how everything...

was now and especially because I had come to this realisation that for some reason (okay, it was fairly obvious) I'd held part of myself back from her and felt awful. Then we had a chat about how, all things considered, that was kind of expected and I told her that wasn't...

something I felt I needed to do anymore. Everything I am was for her. She had it all, she knew everything about me. Everything. I don't think she ever budged, even when I tried to push her away.

Then it happened...

She just gushed, and talked about how she understood and everything made sense, she wasn't mad or upset, she was patient and just knew that I needed to process and there was no way she was letting me go.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you" was the last line...

of that particular message.

I let it sit for a little. We'd both just unloaded a huge deal between text and phone call.

Then I asked "wait, did you just propose?"

Half picking on her, half genuinely curious, because neither of us could do anything by the books if we tried...

After the initial freak out of what had happened, we were on the phone again.

I couldn't honestly say yes unless I had made sure that all of my cards were on the table. She already knew them anyway, but for the sake of making sure, we went through the potential speedhumps...

We weren't ever going to have a relationship that would be "easy" or whatever. But here we were, she still wasn't going anywhere... and why wouldn't I say yes to my best friend? She's incredible, funny, smart, if there was anyone who could keep up with me it would be her...

wonderfully kind and compassionate, and absolutely beautiful.

I suppose I don't think I deserved her.

That's the funny thing about having been in abusive relationships. You don't feel like you are worthy of anything decent from someone...

both of us have moments where we stop and get overwhelmed that there's someone who loves us unconditionally, and it's such a strange thing.

I guess we're both works in progress trying to make the most of a relationship amid really odd circumstances, and Covid on top...

Now we're picking out rings and I'm harassing her daily about clues as to when and where she's going to propose properly because the last thing I can do is know there's something planned and not have details.

Everyone really should have a Blue in their lives.