Read on Twitter
This day last year, right in the middle of my #mentalhealth relapse, my mentor sent me flowers. In this picture, I am smiling. You'd never guess that I had had yet another near #suicide attempt and was on close watch.
THREAD.
THREAD.
In 2015, I was diagnosed with #bipolar and #ptsd with mild #psychosis. I had had my first near suicide attempt. I was placed on #antidepressants and mood stabilizers. The antidepressants help lift me up and the mood stabilizers hold me back so I don't get too high.
I went through the side effects - gained about 20kg in 4 months, was sleeping or drowsy most of the time, the hunger, etc. But I also felt for the first time what it meant for my head to be quiet. The voices stopped. Is this what you people had been enjoying all along?
I waited it all out with minor tweaks in my medications. I stayed dedicated and I did more than take meds. I audited my entire life. All the choices and experiences that had shaped me - getting raped twice, being sexually assaulted multiple times and more.
You see, when you've been raped and live with the #trauma, it takes something away from you. You never go back. It's like being stuck in a loop; a part of you relieving it daily. For me, my memory had holes in it and I could no longer trust my choices.
It also meant that sometimes I couldn't tell where the #bipolar stopped and where my 'real self' began. What part was the #ptsd and what part was the #bipolar? When your mind is compromised, even you can no longer trust your inner dialogue. I began to review all my life choices.
I audited my eating, movement, social circles, the movies I watched, the music I listened to, the conversations I had. Nothing was off limits. When you've been where I've been, you'll understand the power of whatever gets in.
So 18 months into my diagnosis and medications, I did a series of alternative therapy that I believe had the most profound effects on me. I also studied and got cerified in them, hence becoming a mental health coach and starting my practice.
I soon stopped my medications and had zero symptoms. Life was good. My emotional mastery was top notch. My clients were having great successes (still are). I knew that being mentally healthy was a result of my daily choices and I never took that for granted...I think.
Then in March of 2019, after 2 years of no symptoms, I started feeling it. I knew it was coming. The darkness. I started postponing work engagements and was "putting my affairs in order". As if I knew. April...May...Ramadhan. I fasted for the first time since getting diagnosed.
And then right after Itiqaf (the 10-day optional seclusion in the Mosque at the end of Ramadhan), I knew it was here. I was sinking and even I couldn't take my own advice. The voices were at their loudest.
They were saying how I wasn't worthy. They said I was a burden. That I would never be understood in this world so what's the point. The pain...I needed it to end. I didn't step out for nearly 2 months, I barely got out of bed. I stopped picking calls. I was drowning.
I felt like a fraud. I mean, I'm a mental health professional right? Yes...AND I was too far gone. Like my mentor would say, "You can be the best surgeon in the world but you can't perform your world class surgery on yourself"
Even when I picked 1 or 2 calls, I couldn't string words together. I was back to stammering. I couldn't hold a thought for 2 seconds without losing my train of thought. So I stopped talking completely. Yes, your #MentalHealth can do these to you.
I couldn't reach out but I could be reached. I was barely hanging by a thread. I was literally at the edge when @zeal_a came for me. Sometimes, we can't risk waiting for people to reach out. He made the single move that kept me alive.
And so I was rediagnosed, placed back on antidepressants and began to climb out of this dark hole again. That's when I received these flowers and this fruit baskets (I prefer these to cake btw) from @UdoOkonjo. See that note? It meant everything.
And so, 1 year on, I am still here; a living breathing example of hope and healing. For someone who has been at the edge ever so often, I cannot guarantee that I won't ever be pushed over. All of this...isn't my fault. It is happening to me.
So if you're reading this, RT. Tell someone that all we ever need to do is get through today...and the next, and the next. Tell them there's support and possibilities for #mentalhealth at @SheWritesWoman Tell them that I am here.
I appreciate all the love and prayers. Thank you! I channeled my experience into creating @SheWritesWoman Do donate to helping us amplify #mentalhealth in Nigeria by providing mental health care and safe places.
I'm glad to give a glimpse into what living with a mental health condition is like. This is just that...a glimpse. Every single tweet here can have a thread of its own. From dealing with memory loss, to hypersexuality, to dating etc, there's so much more to this journey.
