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This day last year, right in the middle of my #mentalhealth relapse, my mentor sent me flowers. In this picture, I am smiling. You& #39;d never guess that I had had yet another near #suicide attempt and was on close watch.
THREAD.
THREAD.
In 2015, I was diagnosed with #bipolar and #ptsd with mild #psychosis. I had had my first near suicide attempt. I was placed on #antidepressants and mood stabilizers. The antidepressants help lift me up and the mood stabilizers hold me back so I don& #39;t get too high.
I went through the side effects - gained about 20kg in 4 months, was sleeping or drowsy most of the time, the hunger, etc. But I also felt for the first time what it meant for my head to be quiet. The voices stopped. Is this what you people had been enjoying all along?
I waited it all out with minor tweaks in my medications. I stayed dedicated and I did more than take meds. I audited my entire life. All the choices and experiences that had shaped me - getting raped twice, being sexually assaulted multiple times and more.
You see, when you& #39;ve been raped and live with the #trauma, it takes something away from you. You never go back. It& #39;s like being stuck in a loop; a part of you relieving it daily. For me, my memory had holes in it and I could no longer trust my choices.
It also meant that sometimes I couldn& #39;t tell where the #bipolar stopped and where my & #39;real self& #39; began. What part was the #ptsd and what part was the #bipolar? When your mind is compromised, even you can no longer trust your inner dialogue. I began to review all my life choices.
I audited my eating, movement, social circles, the movies I watched, the music I listened to, the conversations I had. Nothing was off limits. When you& #39;ve been where I& #39;ve been, you& #39;ll understand the power of whatever gets in.
So 18 months into my diagnosis and medications, I did a series of alternative therapy that I believe had the most profound effects on me. I also studied and got cerified in them, hence becoming a mental health coach and starting my practice.
I soon stopped my medications and had zero symptoms. Life was good. My emotional mastery was top notch. My clients were having great successes (still are). I knew that being mentally healthy was a result of my daily choices and I never took that for granted...I think.
Then in March of 2019, after 2 years of no symptoms, I started feeling it. I knew it was coming. The darkness. I started postponing work engagements and was "putting my affairs in order". As if I knew. April...May...Ramadhan. I fasted for the first time since getting diagnosed.
And then right after Itiqaf (the 10-day optional seclusion in the Mosque at the end of Ramadhan), I knew it was here. I was sinking and even I couldn& #39;t take my own advice. The voices were at their loudest.
They were saying how I wasn& #39;t worthy. They said I was a burden. That I would never be understood in this world so what& #39;s the point. The pain...I needed it to end. I didn& #39;t step out for nearly 2 months, I barely got out of bed. I stopped picking calls. I was drowning.
I felt like a fraud. I mean, I& #39;m a mental health professional right? Yes...AND I was too far gone. Like my mentor would say, "You can be the best surgeon in the world but you can& #39;t perform your world class surgery on yourself"
Even when I picked 1 or 2 calls, I couldn& #39;t string words together. I was back to stammering. I couldn& #39;t hold a thought for 2 seconds without losing my train of thought. So I stopped talking completely. Yes, your #MentalHealth can do these to you.
I couldn& #39;t reach out but I could be reached. I was barely hanging by a thread. I was literally at the edge when @zeal_a came for me. Sometimes, we can& #39;t risk waiting for people to reach out. He made the single move that kept me alive.
And so I was rediagnosed, placed back on antidepressants and began to climb out of this dark hole again. That& #39;s when I received these flowers and this fruit baskets (I prefer these to cake btw) from @UdoOkonjo. See that note? It meant everything.
And so, 1 year on, I am still here; a living breathing example of hope and healing. For someone who has been at the edge ever so often, I cannot guarantee that I won& #39;t ever be pushed over. All of this...isn& #39;t my fault. It is happening to me.
So if you& #39;re reading this, RT. Tell someone that all we ever need to do is get through today...and the next, and the next. Tell them there& #39;s support and possibilities for #mentalhealth at @SheWritesWoman Tell them that I am here.
I appreciate all the love and prayers. Thank you! I channeled my experience into creating @SheWritesWoman Do donate to helping us amplify #mentalhealth in Nigeria by providing mental health care and safe places.
