focusing on shared or agreed upon values during moments of conflict and struggle can help ease the shaming and projecting that can/will occur. asking “what is the value that is not being honored right now?” moves us away from attacking the personal and focusing on the action.

the process of being specific and naming the value(s) also slows us down a bit during conflicts. it forces us to dissect the narrative we’ve created about the other person. it challenges us to provide the *evidence* to make sure this person deserves to carry the harm.

moments of disconnection can force us to create narratives. narratives vulnerable to projections. vulnerable to shame. vulnerable to triggers and other past experiences. we have to learn how to honestly examine our narratives. moving from our values is a tool.