I'm also aware that Jared's trauma is real to him and that he believes everything he has said about me. I don't think he's "lying", I think he's in deep denial over how he treated me because he can only ever see his own victimhood, not how he treats others.

For my part, I desperately tried to empathize with him to the point of making myself a doormat. It was never enough. Nothing short of full compliance was ever enough, because I wasn't seen as an equal human on the same playing field.

That imbalance, in my opinion, is the root of what characterized this as abuse. He had inherent power in our relationship, and in almost all of his personal relationships. He made basically all major life decisions for us because he had full control over our finances and future.

I should never have been so codependent on my partner, and that's a situation I never want to be in again. I've done major work this year to learn how to be a fully independent adult. Better late than never.

To be clear, the decisions he made for us weren't all bad! They were typically good and I agreed with them! But he ultimately had all deciding power in major life issues. It was like he was the "adult" and I was along for the ride. I wanted to be there, but it was unbalanced.

The imbalance created huge problems eventually. Because he also had the ability to pull the plug on my entire life. Everything was "ours" until it suddenly wasn't. I was holding on for my life, literally, while he treated me like hot garbage and convinced me I was the problem.

And he fully believes I was the problem, because I "made him feel guilty". I called him out, pointed out inconsistencies in his behavior and tried to hold him accountable to his promises. I hurt his pride. I made caustic comments about his behavior, because it was abhorrent.

It wasn't always caustic though -- I tried every approach I could think of. My gentleness was stonewalled just had firmly as my sarcasm. There was absolutely no getting through to him in any tone, or in any words, because our positions were inherently imbalanced.

If I made him feel bad, I was bad.... that's all that processed. Because my feelings didn't count like his did. He was in charge.
He didn't want to hear me and he didn't strictly have to. He replaced me with people who told him what he wanted to hear instead.

More than anything, I just wish he would someday acknowledge that he hurt me. I'm not expecting it at this point. I just wish he would allow himself to acknowledge it, because I saw him suppress and deny the obvious to the point that it became incredibly dehumanizing.

I loved him. I still struggle with my heartbreak over losing the man I loved. I can't explain how desperately I wanted to get through to him. I wish he were able to confront these emotions but they shut him down instead. He couldn't process that he hurt me.

Please don't harass him. Please don't hurt him more "on my behalf", it's not what I want. I wish someone would help him see the effect of his actions on others (not just me) and process them. I wish he had support to help him process guilt instead of insisting he's done no wrong

Instead he's been hearing, "Heidi's evil, you've done no wrong" for years. And now he fully believes it.

I don't think that he can heal while he truly believes that. I can't help him shake the denial he's living in, but I wish someone would.