i’m wondering if i could have adhd (scouring for the right paperwork in order to get a referral to a specialist rn)...

however the way ppl write about it is so gendered that it honestly makes me feel invalidated to the point of being dysphoric. to the point 1/?
that i’m somewhat deterred from pursuing the possible diagnosis... because there are so many articles about “adhd in women” and those list symptoms that i have...

i’m not a woman and it’s genuinely quite distressing to keep reading those when you’re tryna find information. 2/?
with a history of trauma x misgendering it’s actually an absolute ass to read.

rn i’m feeling pretty horrible about the entire thing and i wish i could find stuff without having to go through this whole gender maze thing again. 3/?
i’m afraid of medical professionals (especially in this country) and just so worried... and it’s impossible to be stealth there because all my old paperwork have old names etc. 4/?
idk this is making me feel physically sick just thinking about it enough to make this thread. idk if i can go through with the medical stuff ever because this is a gigantic fucking roadblock for me.

the worst thing is that i haven’t studied enough to know WHY 5/?
there is a gender divide in the literature. is it socialisation? is it physiological? hormones? and even if it’s socialisation it means i need to re-evaluate my entire childhood experience again and...

that makes me feel like i’ve yet again been robbed my boyhood. 6/?
it feels like i didn’t get to have a childhood at all! i already lost my teenage and young adulthood to many flavours of distress and gender bullshit. my twink years!

and ive thought that at least i lived my childhood as a boy, albeit in secret. 7/?
and this sorta makes me feel like i’m forced to come to a conclusion that no that was girlhood all along u_u

and i hate that. it’s not how i interpret my own life. this “girlhood” was a fucking struggle! it was playing a role, and it was hard! 8/?
having to somehow give that time a narrative that misgenders me and that doesn’t follow the suffering of having to manually, actively, study and learn gender... feels like fucking violence. 9/9.
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