MOVIES.

What are some of your favorite thrillers that have action and intrigue and maybe some violence (okay!) but no sexual assault or animal abuse?

If RED DRAGON is an 11 and TAKEN is a 5 and YOU’VE GOT MAIL is a .1 in terms of thriller intensity and horror, what’s a... 7?

And don’t you dare tread on RED DRAGON because that movie has everything

I should also add: ANTICHRIST is a 15 on the Jiordan pain scale

(I have seen it, oh boy have I seen it)

JENNIFER’S BODY... I’m thinking 6. INSIDE MAN is a 4.

MONSTER SQUAD... 3? Probably a 2 on my scale.

WICKER MAN is a 4 in some ways and an 8 in other ways. I laugh hard but I also get really depressed? The bees. The burning. The bear costume. The idea that it was all a SHAM.

Must clarify: yes I’m talking about THE Nic Cage.

HEATHERS is a 3 (and phenomenal). TRAGEDY GIRLS is a... 6?

JUMANJI is a 2 (was a 4 growing up though)... GRETA is a 9 because what the hell? (The box. I cannot.)

THE CONJURING is a surprise 7. It becomes a 9 briefly when that demon floats over her and sucks her face or whatever.

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS is also a surprise 7. Gets a 7.6 at times for being particularly sexist in ways that anger and chill me. But also: awesome, fine.

READY OR NOT gets an 8 for the most part. Weren’t you surprised by how GOOD IT IS? It’s so good. And disgusting. And COOL. But it did chill me most of the way through. A slow panic.

I saw HANNIBAL RISING in theaters thanks to peer pressure and that thing gets a 9. And I HATE it.

TRAIN TO BUSAN is a 7. THE GREY is... honestly, it’s an 8. It’s bleak, it’s cold, it’s sick. It’s Liam Neeson fighting wolves for like two hours?

WAKEFIELD is actually on this list too. It’s a 4, but hey: it makes the cut. That’s really... that’s someone’s HUSBAND.

I think ALL I SEE IS YOU is a 5. An emotionally fraught, unscary almost thrill ride. Another terrible husband bites the dust.

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM gets a 9. I have a lot of rage about this movie... muddled with respect.

DROP DEAD FRED gets a 6... and I resent it.

BEETLEJUICE gets a 4.

LET ME IN gets a 9. More for the bullying than anything else. Brutal.

WIDOWS is a solid 7 on my pain scale.

If RED DRAGON is an 11, then I have to say: PRISONERS is an 11. Honestly, it might even be a 12. Paul Dano wrecked me.

To that end... THERE WILL BE BLOOD is surprisingly palatable—a 7 from me.

GIRL, INTERRUPTED is a 5. Potential 6 when they’re down in the bowels of the institution and the hand thing happens to Winona.

RED EYE is a 4. The pen in the throat gives it potential for a 5, but not quite.

Also, how sexist is it? I only saw it recently and damn, 2005 was looking like 1955. That dialogue.

I think all of CASTLE ROCK (two seasons so far, not a movie) gets an easy 8 from me. Stirs up a lot of feelings. Haunted more than horrified.

The HAPPY DEATH DAY movies collectively get a 5.

BLACK SWAN is a 4.

GET OUT is an 8 disguised as a 10 on my pain scale. Her brother is the worst creep of all.

GLASS is a 4, but SPLIT is a 9. (Have not seen UNBREAKABLE.)

I think A QUIET PLACE is a 5.

SHUTTER ISLAND is a 7.

THE SIXTH SENSE is a 6. Would be a 5 if I were to see it for the first time today.

MULHOLLAND DRIVE is a weird 5.

ENEMY is a 6 that plays like a 5.

THE GIFT is an 8. I still don’t know how to feel with that one.

RESERVOIR DOGS is a 10 disguised as a 7. Yeah, it’s that scene.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO: 11 for obvious reasons, but otherwise... a solid 8 for me.

Weirder still, THE GIRL IN THE SPIDER’S WEB is an 8 that wishes it were an 11.

ATOMIC BLONDE is a perfect 7.

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN is an 11. We still say “I’ll take them as they are!” in this house.

JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH, I must say, is a 4. Those aunts.

I LOST MY BODY is a 5. My chest was so tight listening to that tape recording at the end. A different kind of thrill. A vision of hope.

THE GLASS HOUSE is a solid 8, though I think it felt like a 9 when I was younger.

DJANGO UNCHAINED is a 10... pushing hard into almost-11 territory. Saw it with my mother in theaters Christmas Day. Cried. Cheered.

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS is a hard-hitting 7. (I’m angry and I’m Jewish, this is my calling.)

MEMENTO is an 11 I had hoped would be a 7.

STOKER is a 7, but a weird 7. A reluctant 7. Maybe a 6 with an edge.

KIDS is a 9 for all the wrong reasons.

SLEEPING BEAUTY (Australian erotic drama? Kind of?) is a 6. It is also a terrible mistake.

UNKNOWN is a 5 that I wanted to be a 7. THE COMMUTER is, surprisingly... a 6. Fine.

THE NEXT THREE DAYS, if memory serves, is a 6. Briefly an 8 when she opens that car door.

LAW ABIDING CITIZEN is a 10 that I resent deeply. I should’ve left after that first scene. Don’t watch this one, no matter what you’re into. Just watch INSIDE MAN instead.

V FOR VENDETTA is a 6, but a bold 6. A meaningful 6.

TRAINING DAY is a perfect 11. The whole tub scene. Made me sick. Lit up my whole heart though.

You may think it doesn’t count on this list, but MOONLIGHT is a 6. That movie has everything. It aches.

PARASITE is a perfect 7. Thrills, chills. Gorgeous.

Have I mentioned THE MUMMY? It’s a 6 that was an 8 when I was a kid.

THE CRAFT is a surprise 8. It’s like JUMANJI but the bullying is more intense. As is the racism... I think.

Both FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC movies merit a 5, though they act like an 8. Please stop rebooting that wretched story.

Similarly, THE BLUE LAGOON gets a very dark 4.

SUICIDE SQUAD gets a 3. And even that low thrill score is entirely thanks to Margot Robbie, bless her soul.

JOHN Q gets a sad 6. Don’t ask.

VENOM gets a 5.

BRONSON gets a 6, even though it has all the makings of a 9.

Have I forgotten DRIVE? Easy 7. Checks every box, very safe and satisfying place on my pain scale.

I think AMERICAN PSYCHO is an 7. (Thought it would be a 10, but here we are.)

THE SHINING is a shocking 8. Maybe a 9 if I linger too long on that ghost woman.

I’m not proud of this, but I think A.I. may be an 8, but not a good 8.

EX MACHINA is a solid 7.

SPY is a wonderful 6.

NOTES ON A SCANDAL is a 5.

Similarly, LITTLE CHILDREN is a 5... but it gets gritty credit like a 7 for a few key scenes.

CONTAGION can have a 4. Sure.

ANNIHILATION is a 9. The whole mirrored scene at the end. I felt myself holding my breath.

LEON: THE PROFESSIONAL feels like a stark 8 to me. If you remade it today, it’d either be a 6 or an 11. 2020 is like that.

SNOWPIERCER is a 9. Truly brutish stuff, good premise. I get why it’s divisive. But for my purposes, a brutal 9 it is.

THE NEON DEMON gets a 12. I wish I could scrub it from my brain. A mistake.

SEARCHING gets a 6. Respectable.

CHRISTINE (the one with Rebecca Hall) is a cold 6.

DONNIE DARKO is a 6. (Hit like an 8 years ago.)

MYSTIC RIVER is a bit of a surprise 10. More sinister than anticipated.

I’m torn on THE PRESTIGE. It’s been a long time. But I’m thinking... an opaque 7. Maybe it’s really a 9. Yeah, let’s go with a weird 9.

Can I revise myself? TAKEN is a 7. I’m sorry, but it is. It’s a 7. The sequels merit a 5. How dare I.

You know what’s a 5? A MOST VIOLENT YEAR. A surprise 5.

BLACK MASS is a startling 6.

PHANTOM THREAD is a 7 on principle.

VANILLA SKY, I have to tell you, is a 9. Left me feeling like MULHOLLAND DRIVE. But... different.

INCEPTION is an 8 largely due to Marion Cotillard’s eyes drilling into me.

A SCANNER DARKLY is a 4 but it felt like a 6 when I first saw it.

THE JACKET is a 10 that nearly reaches for that elusive, too-much 11. You know, maybe it’s an 11. Yeah.

THE MACHINIST is a really strange 9.

I think THE MATRIX is a 6, but I need to revisit it as an adult.

BIRTH (with Nicole Kidman) is a sleeper 10. Have you seen it? My god. What.

ANOMALISA is a 5.

WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF? is a 7. Fierce performances up the ante here.

I didn’t even want to add it, but it’s on my mind, so: SLEEPERS is a 12 for obvious reasons.

UNDER THE SKIN is a 9 that hints at being a 6 and a 10 simultaneously.

THE ROOM is a 3.

ROOM is a 9 that fights like a 10.

FIRST REFORMED is a 6 on the whole, but briefly touches on a 9 at the very end. Damn.

GONE GIRL is a curious 7.

PRIMAL FEAR is a 5 that tries to be a 7.

INTERSTELLAR is a 7, but my heart. Ouch.

MONSTER is a 12. Maybe it’s a 15. Who cares? It’s relentless. Don’t.

A MONSTER CALLS is a beautiful 6.

Don’t laugh: ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW is a 5. The setup is spooky, it is.

HARD CANDY is an 11. And that’s putting it mildly for my pain scale.

I almost don’t care enough to add it, but... THE NUMBER 23 is a gross 4.

CHANGELING feels like a frazzled 6.

THE ILLUSIONIST is a pleasant enough 4.

SWIMFAN is a 5. Felt like a 7 when I was younger and it is definitively not.

ERASERHEAD is an 8 for my unending discomfort. In heaven, everything is not fine.

ENOUGH is a complicated 7. Let me have this.

CRASH is an 11 that doesn’t deserve it.

CRUEL INTENTIONS is a messy 6.

THE ICEMAN could be an 8, but... who can really tell with that one?

ALL GOOD THINGS is a twisted 9.

PREMONITION is a 5. Okay.

THE MEG is a fun 6 that could easily swing into a 5.

QUIZ SHOW, I’m sorry to say, is somehow a 6 on this pain scale. Doesn’t not-real (?) John Goodman end up in a burning hotel at the end? Something like that.

PULP FICTION is a 12 most make out to be a 9. I have a lot of problems with this one.

FARGO is a cool 7.

THE DOUBLE is a 5 that plays at being a 7.

DOUBLE JEOPARDY is a 5 that veers toward a 6 but doesn’t reach it.

COLD PURSUIT is a 6 with reservations.

THE GOOD GIRL is a bleak 5.

BROTHERS is a surprise 11 that could’ve survived as a 6.

THE HOURS is a quiet 7 for two specific scenes.

THE CRUSH is a warped 8.

DON’T SAY A WORD is a 10. Watched it at a sleepover against my will. Would perhaps be a 6 today, but... it’s a permanent 10.

EYES WIDE SHUT is a disconcerting 6 I’d secretly hoped would be an 8.

HIDE AND SEEK is a 9 with hints of a 10. You add a child and my pain scale tends toward a higher ranking.

DERAILED is an 11 that doesn’t deserve to be here.

THE TOWN can have a 7. Okay.

CARRIE (the original; haven’t seen the newer one) is a 9 on shaky ground.

SECRET WINDOW gets a sympathetic 6 that nostalgia could swing into a 9. (It’s the braces.)

WHAT DREAMS MAY COME is a very particular kind of 9. The grieving kind. Would perhaps be a 6 if I were to see it for the first time today, but.

PATCH ADAMS is a deceptive 7.

GHOST is a 6.

DEAD MAN WALKING is a 13. There are no more words for this.

GANGSTER SQUAD is a 4 that wishes it were a 7.

THE INTERPRETER is a 4.

THE TREE OF LIFE is an infuriating 4.

THIS MUST BE THE PLACE is a quiet 5.

SHE’S SO LOVELY is a disturbed 6.

THE DEPARTED is a deeply reluctant 6.

THE WRESTLER is a similarly strange 6. Mostly for its physicality.

BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOUR DEAD can have a 6, but what I wouldn’t give for it to have been an 8. Even a 9.

SIMON BIRCH is a 9. Have you seen that last bus scene? The baseball? I can never let go.

IN COLD BLOOD is a 10. It has softer edges than DEAD MAN WALKING—for my purposes. It’s almost an 11.

CAST AWAY is a 5 that feels like an 8 if I think about his wife too much.

REMEMBER is a deeply satisfying, quick 8.

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD is a 9.

GREY GARDENS (the 1975 doc) is a 5 with flair.

K-PAX gets an 11 with an asterisk.

RIDING IN CARS WITH BOYS gets a seedy 5.

PRETTY PERSUASION also gets a jagged 5.

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES gets a lackluster 6.

SHAME is a sad 8.

THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI is a 9. Moments that lean into a 10, but it’s a 9 on my pain scale.

I think I confused QUIZ SHOW with BARTON FINK earlier in this thread (...), but the rating for QUIZ SHOW still stands. (Weird, but true.) That said, BARTON FINK is a very uncomfortable 6. Same reasons.

THE ITALIAN JOB (2003) is a soft 7.

CELLULAR is a simple 7.