I worry this will kill my career - but this has been eating at me every single day for a year now.

Last year I was so depressed - for the first time in my life I started to contemplate suicide.

I left Insomniac Games because of how they treat women.

1/??

Firstly - let me say there are so many GOOD amazing people at Insomniac that I would never want to direct harm their way.

But there also is a culture of hiding the ugliness that comes from the very top.

I have a list in the double digits of women who were harmed by the actions of this company - some so much so that they declined to speak about it to me at all.

Insomniac has throttled careers of great women, left them no option but to 'resign' and protected sexual predators.

I know, in my time there, of at LEAST 3 sexual predators that were protected. One left of his own accord (as far as I can tell), one was fired (despite them being given a heads up earlier) when he became too dangerous and was sexually assaulting people.

One still remains - despite there being a mountain of evidence to get rid of him - because 'it's not clear who was in the right or wrong'.

This was all in the near 4 years I worked there.

Because this is all vaguities - let me give you a clear example. I trusted the guy in HR there. He gave me weird vibes and an uneasiness in my stomach - but I pushed them aside because I believe the best in people and that even tho I was uncomfortable - there was no clear cause.

He would get in your personal space - get really close to you. He would tell you stories or inappropriate jokes which were a little on the edge for me. But I appreciated his company and went to him for advice many times.

In secret, in the small meeting rooms there - he confessed his attraction to me. Not once. But twice. I brushed it off - marked it off as only human. Despite my partner at the time also being at the company (this was known).

He told me not to tell him and because I was his friend I didn't. Plus, it would make work weird.

At the time, I didn't realise how this power dynamic was deeply troubling. He was our main HR recruiter. He would go to conferences and be on booths.

Even those where we would go to women only events like Grace Hopper and such. He constantly said we should go drinking - and our birthdays were literal days apart. So one time we did.

He drove to pick me up, and as we drove to Little Tokyo - he spoke of his love life. How it wasn't going anywhere and his girlfriend and him weren't close. And then he started getting explicit.

He told me how he would fuck me, and how he give me what my current boyfriend (who I was happy and content with and he knew this) couldn't. He laboured the point. Over and over. Explicitly. I can't remember most of the words. I blurred it out in my memory.

It felt like it lasted forever. I laughed nervously - I was very uncomfortable. But this was just guy talk right? He was my good friend. We had known each other for years.

We ended up at a ramen bar, and he continued to come on to me there too.

It was only when I affirmed pretty strongly that 1. I am happily in a relationship and had been for 5+ years. and 2. completely and utterly asexual. Sex and sexual acts do nothing for me and I would never partake in them, that he backed off.

This eventually got him to stop. And we went to a bar afterwards to meet some others. I excused myself after this.

His name is Edgar Vargas. I don't know where he is right now. I honestly don't care.

After he was fired (for dating an intern while they were at the company over a year after it happened), I sniffed him down and found out he had abused so many others and so deeply. The company conveniently gave him the boot the week after #MeToo of August 2019.

I knew however, that the company had been warned of his activities at least once months prior. And that he was constantly known by many for going out for drinks - especially with the interns.

I know others left the company because of him. And he was only 1/3 men I KNOW.

I personally had my career throttled. I watched men around me get promotions (and rightly so - for they were amazing!) - while I had a carrot dangled in front of me for years. I know this doesn't happen exclusively to women - but to anyone who dares to speak up.

Why would I speak up? Because it was encouraged. And because they promised - most of all - that there would be no backlash or retaliation.

We thought about lawyers but we know how the legal system works in America. I thought about going to journalists - but couldn't trust them.

Insomniac promotes a culture of open honestly. You can speak to anyone about anything. You can ask any question. I put that to the test and even tho we were told this was the case - it was not. When one of my friends was forced to quit, I handed in my resignation the next day.

So here I am. Announcing it to the world and probably getting myself blacklisted for it.

I suffered so badly at Insomniac. I wanted to stay. DESPERATELY. I have so many good friends there. I was universally loved at the company.

But my future was a dead end - there was nowhere for me to go. I watched many women around me suffer and have to go to intense therapy after being gaslit and framed for mistakes made by others.

They still suffer. I still suffer. I am deeply saddened.

FWIW, I would like to reiterate here - I am not a woman. But I lived as one for almost 30 years. So I know the experiences and how it feels to be afraid and what it is like to be in their shoes.

Through all of this. So little of the men in the company around us supported us. The only true ally I can point to is @xavierck3d who was made miserable at the company for fighting for what he believed in and daring to make a change.

And once again, this isn't to say it was all bad. I did amazing work at the company. I have so many good friends there. They sponsored my visa and Greencard which I am eternally grateful for.

But women needed them. And they failed them. I don't want them to fail women anymore.

Also, I want to add. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have so many more incidents that broke me down over time. Last year was definitely the worst for it. I don't know if I have the energy to lay them all out right now. But thank you all for believing me.