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Tinnitus, depression and how the smash com has saved my life.
A thread.
This is a long one.
A thread.
This is a long one.
So, I was thinking alot about if I should make this thread. I wasn't sure if I could put my thoughts into words correctly or if anyone would even care. But if even one person is the same situation as I was and these words can help them, it is worth it so I decided to write it.
At the end of 2018 I developed a severe case of tinnitus (ringing in the ears for those unfamiliar). Shit was loud. Like, I am talking someone screaming in your ear loud. I'm sure a lot of people are familiar with how tinnitus sounds, its pretty common, especially after concerts.
It usually only lasts a few hours, or days at max. But in my case it was permanent. Night and day, 24/7. At first of course I thought it would go away eventually. But months went by and nothing changed and I was starting to get really stressed because of it.
I couldn't concentrate at all. At work I tried drowning the noise with music, but it even penetrated max volume of my headphones. I just couldn't distract myself from the noise. All my thoughts were directed at this one sound, which was blasting full on the whole day.
Now, some people said "it's just a sound you get used to it". That may be true but it really, really doesn't help the affected person one bit. You don't want to think about it, but you can't help it. There is literally only thinking about this sounds, nothing else. It sucks.
Over the course of the next month I felt into a deep depression, my mind was blurry, I had so much brain fog that I couldn't think straight and I was so sad thinking this was my life forever now. Didn't help my doctor basically just said "well you have to learn to live with it."
Browsing the internet for tinnitus relief ideas wasn't much help either. A lot of people were struggling with this and reading "it's my tenth year, it doesn't get better" isn't exactly what gets you back on track in terms of thinking straight.
Of course I talked with my parents, but no matter what people told me, the ringing was still as loud as ever and my mind couldn't find peace. At this point I developed severe DPDR and full weeks went by without me feeling like myself, or "real" at all.
Then Smash Ultimate was released and I was pretty happy, because I loved Smash 4 and was so excited to play the new installment. I got it day one and grinded it with my boi @CorexSSBU. It was a nice distraction from the noise, but I still felt like shit basically 24/7.
Now, I was never really interested in attending offline tournaments. Didn't really think it would be for me and I was REALLY introverted back then so it was way out of my comfort zone. But @CorexSSBU showed me the "The Smash Bros" documentary and talked me into visiting MFN.
I thought "trying couldn't hurt" and hoped it would distract me a bit from my tinnitus. Well I can now say (and I really am forever in your debt Corex) that it was one of the best decisions of my life. Tournaments were really fun and geniuenly distracted me from my depression.
I began getting really into it, attending every tourney I could find. Not mainly because smash was fun (which it was), but really because I felt happy there and could actually think straight. I was finally feeling better in life in could feel my overall quality of life improving.
But I still wasn't fully recovering. Tinnitus still hit hard, especially when it spiked (which is a short-termed increase in volume and intensity of the tinnitus, paired with lots of brain fog and DPDR), and sometimes these also happened on tournament days,
which sucked, because it influenced tournament performance (no johns tho). But still, on most tournament days I felt happy and distracted which was soo refreshing. I started doing weekly bootcamps with my friends and new people I met in the smash com.
Through that I found lots of new close friends that helped me a lot. I can talk to a lot of them about really intimate things and I call a lot of them close friends by now. The smash com is full of great people and I am so so happy that I had the opportunity to get to know them.
2019 passed and I was feeling better each month. My tinnitus didn't quiet down and I still have bad days, but overall my mind is much more focused on other things and I am geniuenly happy on most days.
Brain fog still shits on my mood on a lot days, so excuse me if I am sometimes acting cold, disinterested or mean, I just have to deal with my own shit sometimes. I really appreciate all of the smash people I met and it really improved my life soooo much, I can't even describe it
Tinnitus took over my life for a good two years, but I can finally say that I'm at the stage of overcoming it and not letting it control me or my thoughts anymore. So if you ever struggled with tinnitus, DPDR, or anything comparable, just know that it CAN get better.
I hope my ramblings made some kind of sense, and even if not, thank you for reading 
I really appreciate all of you so much, even if I can't always show it.
I really appreciate all of you so much, even if I can't always show it.
