I’m about to be real raw & honest with you all. In hopes that there is someone out there who comes across this thread who needs to hear they aren’t alone.

As Harley (daughter) & I approach a year of motherhood together, I reflect back on our time & most of it has been anything but pretty. Many times I felt like a failure as a new mom for not being able to give the structure I believed motherhood was suppose to be.

Motherhood had a different route for me. Motherhood itself is already such a challenge but throw postpartum in the mix & it can be one hell of a ride. I battled so many intrusive thoughts, I battled suicide for not being worthy enough as mom & partner.

Worst of all I battled even wanting to be around my child. A child who clearly didn’t want to be held by me, she could feel the bad energy vibrating off me at all times. It was hard & it was hard doing it alone. Especially, for not even knowing what was happening to me.

When one of my gfs sat me down to bring awareness to me going Thru PPD, I kicked her out of my home. I was offended, disrespected but mostly I felt disappointed in myself for not being a good mom & although her intentions came from love, it only made me feel more like a failure

3 weeks after that my mom & sister sat me down to tell me the same thing but this time I broke down & cried because it was true. Everyone could see I was a bad mom. Although I know now it was the sickness telling me I was a bad mom, at the time, again I felt like a failure.

The days & months that followed only got darker & harder. The more I tried to fight the depression the more it took over me. I felt like I was constantly drowning on my own. My partner didn’t understand it & wasn’t supportive because no one talks about PPD.

It doesn’t make him a bad person, he was just as overwhelmed as I was, he made mistakes in the process that made me feel even more unworthy than what I was already feeling but again he didn’t know what he was dealing with as well but his story isn’t mine to share...

The most important person in my life didn’t understand it, my mom. She is, in my eyes, the perfect mom. She’s handled everything life has thrown at her with such grace. She loved being pregnant (I did not) She loved being a mother. The way she spoke about motherhood was

Unrelatable to me. I didnt feel any of the bliss she felt, even without a partner to help her raise us. She had a hard time seeing me be so isolated & inattentive to my child & it made me feel even worse that me, her baby, was being taken care of by her all over again.

I’m so grateful & blessed for it now but at the time I just felt it was more justification that I was a “bad mom” here was my mom taking care of her adult child who now has a baby of her own. She researched PPD to help her understand, she reached out to talk to others about their

Experiences she wanted to know anything & everything she could find out to help her baby heal.

But the person who truly saved my life & continues to is my sister. My little sister to be exact. She saw red flags & she dived all in. She found all the resources I need. She found me a therapist, she found doctors who specialized in my needs.

She has been my BIGGEST support in this all. She’s the one who educated me on PPD. She’s the one who tells me daily she loves me & tells me I’m an AMAZING mom. My sister is the one who saved me & I will forever be indebted to her.

Although, my healing is still in its beginning stages I feel like I’m truly on the right path to get my mental in health space again. I am not ashamed to admit I’m a medicated mother, I’m not ashamed to admit I’m a mother who needs therapy

or ashamed to admit motherhood didn’t come easy to me. So before you judge that mother who isn’t with her children at all times, or the overbearing mother who doesn’t want anyone around her children, try to be more understanding there maybe more under the surface of what you see.

I just want to finish up this thread to all my mommies struggling YOU ARE WORTH IT & YOU ARE A GOOD MOM and if you don’t have that kind of support slide into my DMs I’ll be your biggest support system wether I know you or not. We as mommy’s are in this together